carefreemistrust

S Rozhdestvom Khristovym!

2005-01-07T13:33:00.000-05:00

Yes, Virginia, today is Christmas in the vowel-challenged part of the world.

The Russian Orthodox Church celebrates the Nativity according to the Julian calendar.

Little-known fact: Russian icons are flat due not to lack of skill, but so that they can be easily viewed by all members of the congregation, regardless of their seating position in the church.

New Year, New Perversions

2005-01-07T11:39:00.001-05:00

Now that Bush's reelection has eliminated the possibility of terrorist attacks on U.S. soil, we can get back to enjoying life again!

For example, what better time to experiment with the bestiality lifestyle? ZooSkool is the on-line resource for bestiality information, and 'a support centre for people who enjoy (or are interested in) the act of physical love between human beings and animals.'

ZooSkool is not for the faint of heart. You may never be able to look a dog in the eye again.

Equal Opportunity Suffering

2004-12-10T17:42:00.000-05:00

Gay marrieds are already starting to file for divorces in Massachusetts -- seven months after gay marriage was legalized.

We're on the record as being against all marriage, but couldn't these people hold on a little longer just for appearances?

Even black people waited more than 20 years before they started acting up.

Missing Body Parts Outnumber Body Bags

2004-12-09T14:47:00.000-05:00

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that using combat death tolls to communicate the intensity of an armed conflict is no longer justifiable.

Medical personnel in the field save more lives, but for every 10 combat deaths, about 100 troops are injured, many seriously enough that they would not have survived in Vietnam.

Natalie Portman Just Ain't 'Folks'

2004-12-08T18:34:00.000-05:00

Actress-we've-never-seen Natalie Portman has issued an apology for a statement she claims was -- surprise -- an incomplete thought.

An interview in August's Allure magazine (not pictured here), quoted Portman as saying 'I'm not black, but I know what it feels like.'

Portman has a written a letter stating that the pronoun 'it' was 'not intended to signify that I know "how black people feel" but rather that I know what Dubois' (Souls of Black Folk author W.E.B. DuBois) concept of double-consciousness feels like.'

Wow! How many times did Portman have to blow Henry Louis Gates to get that kind of an education?

Tintin's Head Examined

2004-12-08T16:40:00.000-05:00

A team of Canadian researchers believe they have discovered why Tintin, the intrepid boy reporter, has exhibited no post-adolescent growth after 1929.

Their study posits that Tintin has acquired growth hormone deficiency and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, as a result of 50 significant losses of consciousness during his 75 year-long career.

A 2000 study, also published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, diagnosed Winnie-the-Pooh with co-existing ADHD and OCD.

Interracial Couple Hall Of Fame: The Davises

2004-12-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

In 1960, song-and-dance man Sammy Davis, Jr. married Swedish-born actress May Britt.

More than half of U.S states forbade interracial marriages in 1960, and the fact that their union was that of an Afro-Hispanic man and a European woman certainly did not sit well.

Even JFK reportedly insisted that an aide hide Britt during a meeting of black leaders before the press photographers spotted her.

After her divorce from Sammy, Britt stuck to raising her three kids with Sammy. She eventually married another Swede.

carefreemistrust salutes you.

Kristmas Party Kock-Up

2004-12-07T16:34:00.001-05:00

The British National Party, whose platform is 'to preserve the British race,' inadvertently hired a black DJ for its Christmas party.

Apparently, the DJ -- named Derek -- was a last-minute replacement, prompting a classic explanation: "It was a bit of a cock-up... he sounded white over the phone."

The BNP has fired back that the DJ 'proved most professional and was, in turn, treated with the utmost courtesy.'

'White-sounding,' professional, and named 'Derek': Bill Cosby would be proud!

Every Which Way

2004-12-07T16:22:00.000-05:00

Wired magazine examines the future of traffic engineering in the U.S. and abroad.

Apparently, road designers are discovering that roads are sometimes safer if they lack traffic signals, road signs, and directional markers.

Amway Cult Leader Dead

2004-12-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

Jay Van Andel, the Bill Wilson of the multi-level marketing scheme, has died.

Van Andel was a co-founder of the Amway Corporation, the world's largest and most successful legal pyramid scheme.

Have you ever, as we have, had a friend stop by for a chat only to present a sales pitch for Amway products and to ask you to join the Amway 'team'? Do you remember the glassy-eyed stare and the aura of contentment, even as you politely, yet quickly, ushered them out of your house?

Then you will join us in a symbolic expectoration upon this man's grave.

Portion Distortion

2004-12-06T18:44:00.000-05:00

The National Institutes of Health has a fun little diversion for those of you who are obese and despairing of losing weight.

Their 'Portion Distortion Quiz' compares the current average serving sizes of popular foodstuffs with those of yore, and then estimates how much exercise is required to burn off the calories of each comestible item.

Happy eating!

Herro! Rife Not Worth Riving

2004-12-06T17:00:00.000-05:00

Nine out of 10 Chinese calling a suicide-prevention hotline in Beijing get a busy signal.

Suicide is one of the top five causes of death in mainland China. In Shanghai, a recent study found that 25% of children age 8 to 15 have contemplated suicide.

Rural Chinese women are the most likely suicides, probably because they're so hungry.

For their part, the Japanese appear to be forming internet suicide groups that encourage and abet potential suicides.

We prefer not to take suicide too seriously, but you must have already guessed that.

Kinte Korner

2004-12-06T16:15:00.000-05:00

A group of hitchhikers were forced to dig up an occupied coffin at gunpoint last week in Harare.

Apparently, the death rate is so high (thank you, AIDS) -- and Zimbabweans are so poor -- that people are forced to buy their caskets from graverobbers.

Crank It Up!

2004-12-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

A Tennessee state task force on methamphetamine addiction focused on the supposed 'aphrodisiac' qualities of the drug at a recent meeting.

One obstetrician/minister(!) stated:

The effect of an IV hit of methamphetamine is the equivalent of 10 orgasms all on top of each other lasting for 30 minutes to an hour, with a feeling of arousal that lasts for another day and a half.

Now, how the fuck would she know that?

Buy Nothing Christmas

2004-12-03T13:26:00.000-05:00

Those crazy Mennonites are at it again.

Buy Nothing Christmas is 'an initiative started by Canadian Mennonites to counter-act consumerism.

Unfortunately, we will be exploiting their good works and true Christian spirit by using this as an excuse to spend our money on some booze and Viagra. Thanks for the extra bucks, Jesus!

[via attu sees all]

Targeting The Salvation Army

2004-12-02T18:29:00.000-05:00

Mega-retailer Target had barred The Salvation Army from collecting donations outside its stores.

In a word to the outraged, let us point out that The Salvation Army is an evangelical Christian church, whose mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Salvation Army offers 'rehabilitation' to alcoholics in exchange for their captive audience, refuses to offer its staff health benefits for their gay partners, and in the past has received as much as $300 million in federal funding.

We say, 'Fuck The Salvation Army!'

'Phil The Sore': No 'Smokey The Bear'

2004-12-02T17:14:00.000-05:00

A Los Angeles county ad campaign featuring a cartoon character -- the lovable, yet gruff STD symptom Phil The Syphilis Sore -- has turned off local television stations.

A PSA featuring a live-action Phil has been rejected by five local television stations.

The campaign is aimed at the gay community, and a quick perusal reveals that it is not Phil who is offending, but rather the stubbly S&M types and the buff pretty-boy gay men depicted in the PSA and other materials.

We prefer to glean sexual education from classic message movies like V.D. (1961) or the neighborhood kids.

Ugly Kids Become Ugly Rock Stars

2004-12-02T13:07:00.000-05:00

A Portugese Web site has collected amusing childhood photographs of rock musicians.

Shown here is current has-been Tommy Lee, for whom music was merely the last way-station on the showbiz highway.

Pulling Porky's Pud

2004-12-02T11:40:00.000-05:00

Self-explanatory British "reality" television show "The Farm" featured a woman masturbating a boar for ten minutes to collect its semen.

Even more shocking was the spotting of ex-famous person Vanilla Ice on this show, which astounds and confuses us, given his holier-than-thou attitude on "The Surreal Life" toward the has-been professionalism of Erik Estrada.

Update: Tne British Office of Communications ruled Monday that the pig was not degraded by experiencing a televised sexual experience.

No Child Left Behind, My Ass

2004-11-29T17:00:00.000-05:00

Media Watch breaks down a little-known provision in the Elementary & Secondary Education Act of 2001 (for propaganda purposes, known as the 'No Child Left Behind Act') that helps military recruiters target high school students.

The provision allows military recruiters to ask schools for students' names, addresses, and home telephone numbers.

Parents and adult high-schoolers can opt out of the information list through their local school district, but clearly, few of them are even aware of it.

Gee, maybe Bill Cosby is right! Were more black people were named 'Todd' or 'Melissa,' fewer would be singled out by recruiters, and fewer would be coming home dead for Christmas.

Leo Gorcey Speaks!

2004-11-22T17:52:00.000-05:00

We don't normally advertise products, especially since you're the only person who reads this blog regularly, but when we heard about the re-issue of Leo Gorcey's booze-fueled, self-published 1967 autobiography, we had to spread the word!

A first edition can cost $1000 -- only 1000 copies were printed, and to once again maximize profit, the re-issue is limited as well.

An Original Dead End Kid Presents Dead End Yells, Wedding Bells, Cockle Shells and Dizzy Spells should provide hours of entertaiment. Gorcey was indeed one of the original 'Dead End Kids' featured in the play and 1937 movie Dead End.

The 'Dead End Kids' became a movie franchise, and from 1937 to 1956 he starred in seven 'Dead End Kids' movies, 21 'East Side Kids' films, and in 41 'Bowery Boys' movies. That means Gorcey was still playing a teen-aged tough until he was almost 40.

Once read, we will post a review!

King Of All Bullshit

2004-11-18T17:02:00.000-05:00

So Howard Stern pulled off a publicity stunt today in New York's Union Square Park, giving away satellite radio boomboxes to promote his move to Sirius Satellite Radio, and hours later Mel Karmazin is named CEO of the same company.

Clearly, the whole I'm-the-new-Lenny-Bruce schtick Stern has been doing incessantly for months now was just a ploy to make money. Stern doesn't give a damn about free speech -- they've been censoring his show for decades, why get angry now?

Karmazin (who resigned from Viacom in June) and Stern cooked this whole thing up.

We mean, without a well-orchestrated plan, who on earth idiot would pay to listen to the radio of his own volition?

Fly The Yammering Skies

2004-11-17T18:14:00.000-05:00

Reading of the race underway to allow cell phone use on airplanes, we learn (are we the last?) that cell phones are not banned because they interfere with navigation, but because they would blow out cellular networks on the ground.

It seems obvious now, and of course this explains how hundreds of people used their cell phones on September 11, 2001 from the hijacked planes.

Interrracial Hall Of Shame

2004-11-15T18:43:00.000-05:00

The Smoking Gun has a tawdry little story about Bill Maher, who apparently digs the black chicks... at least the ones who look like men.

Coco Johnsen, a not-safe-for-work 'model' -- and no doubt, 'aspiring actress' -- is suing Maher for allegedly reneging on a promise to marry and impregnate her.

Come on, Maher, let's face it: you're no Robert DeNiro.

Update: Maher fights back!

Zoom Vacuum

2004-11-15T17:06:00.000-05:00

There's only one reason we remember the 1970's version of the WGBH children's show ZOOM: we auditioned and they never called us back, the bastards.

Turns out that we didn't really miss out. These were the days of a truly non-commercial PBS.

Apparently, no cast member lasted more than two years, and parents had to sign an agreement barring their children from doing commercials for five years, and from appearing on television at all for three years after leaving ZOOM.

Well, we wanted to be a child star, but what did we know? At that age, we were actually envious of Janet Jackson.

Costco Caskets

2004-11-09T18:04:00.000-05:00

We have never been inside a Costco, having no need to buy wholesale-priced baby food in bulk, but a casual visit to their site alerted us that they now sell caskets on line in more than a dozen states.

In Chicago, you can buy a casket for $800, and also make funeral arrangements in the Costco.

As disgusting as they appear to be, Costco certainly wins the Best Newly-Necessary Disclaimer Award:

THERE IS NO SCIENTIFIC OR OTHER EVIDENCE THAT ANY CASKET WITH A SEALING DEVICE WILL PRESERVE HUMAN REMAINS.

Baby-Having Crazy Selfish People

2004-11-08T18:51:00.000-05:00

In New York City, a 57 year-old motivational speaker is pregnant with twins.

Researchers announced that it is "feasible" to transplant a woman's entire ovary into her upper arm.

Is no one familiar with the basic principles of genetics?

We're not, but it has occurred to us that if one cannot have a child naturally, perhaps one ought not to have one at all.

Is no one familiar with the existence of adoption? We are.

When White People Attack II

2004-11-08T17:58:00.000-05:00

A Marietta man allegedly tried to a rob a bank that was merely under construction, and therefore had no money in it yet.

According to the [subscription required] Atlanta Journal-Constitution, police said it "should have been obvious" that the bank was still under construction, because workers were there, carrying tools.

Actually, we think it should have been obvious because the suspect should have observed the bank for a few days before he hit it. And why were there "tellers" in the bank if there was no money in the bank?

We also think he should have least taken the teller's purse.

Blogger Sucks

2004-11-05T15:25:00.000-05:00

Sorry to all our readers... blogger has been for most of the past few days, no doubt clogged with political punditry.

Question Of The Day

2004-11-04T11:51:00.000-05:00

Osama Uncut

2004-11-02T14:40:00.000-05:00

Aljazeera has published the full transcript of Osama bin Laden's most recent video.

Osama earns a few debating points, for example: if al-Qaida hates freedom, "why [they] don't strike for example - Sweden?"

Electile Dysfunction 2004

2004-11-02T13:41:00.000-05:00

Here's a brief sampling of the sources of possible democratic travesty today:

Alabama's head of voter registration resigned less than two weeks before the election.

In Florida, the Bay County elections supervisor discovered three forged voter registation forms. One of the forms used his son's name.

Arizona-based "consulting firm" Sproul & Associates is under investigation in Nevada and Oregon over claims that canvassers hired by the company destroyed registration forms completed by Democrats.

In New Orleans, precincts are reporting broken voting machines... precincts with a lot of black people in them, anyway.

A Charlotte Observer investigation found that as many as 60,000 people are registered to vote in both North and South Carolina.

Read here the full rundown of the destruction of democracy by Chinese water torture.

The Great Assmancipator

2004-11-01T16:49:00.000-05:00

If you missed the "Lincoln was gay" bandwagon the last time it came to town, it's back!

The Intimate World of Abraham Lincoln claims new "evidence" of Lincoln's homosexuality, including his fondness for anal humor and the fact that he went through puberty at an early age.

The author, the late C.A. Tripp, is a gay activist hero for having written about homosexuality in 1975 as a "healthy occurrence."

We agree, but someone should tell these people that black people have already tried the so-and-so-is-black-so-we're-just-as-good-as-you-are brand of historical revisionism, with little success.

On other hand, this portrait we used is pretty gay....

Dirty Huns And Sour Krauts

2004-10-29T11:02:00.000-04:00

The temperance poster boy that used to be the great Peter O'Toole called Wolfgang Petersen a "kraut" recently, which is an epithet that deserves a comeback.

Just in time, German-born English footballer Bert "Traut the Kraut" Trautmann receives an OBE from Queen Elizabeth next week in Berlin.

After all, kraut only refers to what Germans eat -- in Bavaria, the pejorative term for a (northern) German is Saupreiß, which means "Prussian Sow."

And today is Goebbels' birthday.

Die, Fallon, Die Slowly, Die Painfully

2004-10-28T17:58:00.000-04:00

As readers will have surmised, we are not advocates of sport, but we cannot stand idly by while Jimmy Fallon is allowed to befoul America's pastime.

That ugly, unfunny man ran onto the field at Busch stadium to film a scene for the his next box-office bomb, his very presence soiling all that is good and entertaining.

Car Dealer/Commissioner Bud Selig, whose office was created to preserve the integrity and dignity of baseball, is also to blame for this atrocious incident, whose only possible benefit is that now even more people despise Jimmy Fallon.

"Crackhead" Comes of Age

2004-10-28T13:39:00.000-04:00

We didn't go to journalism school or nothing, but since when is the word 'crackhead' appropriate for newspaper headlines?

New York's Daily News:
Crackhead kills lover & snoozes, say cops

WABC-TV:
Police: Crackhead Couple's Holdup Spree Spanned Long Island

We don't deny the existence of crackheads, and we love a good crackhead story (who doesn't?), but crackheads have rights, too.

The proper phrase would be alleged crackhead.

When White People Attack

2004-10-27T16:26:00.000-04:00

Steven Soper, an 18 year-old all-but-GED Marine recruit, tried to stab his girlfriend with a screwdriver when she announced that she was leaving him and that she was voting for John Kerry for president.

Across the pond, a 37 year-old Englishwoman attacked her neighbors after they rebuffed her wife-swapping proposal.

Unfortunately, the neighbors were immigrant Portugese in their twenties, and had no desire to appease the bloated, pasty-white, tooth-free lust of the dissipated locals.

Blackmail Alive And Well

2004-10-27T15:38:00.000-04:00

Persons unknown told online bookie Blue Square that they would disseminate child pornography in Blue Square's name via e-mail unless the company coughed up €7,000.

Historically, online blackmailers have limited themselves to denial of service attacks, shutting down e-commerce sites who wouldn't pay them the protection money.

It's so charmingly old-fashioned, it's hard for us to feel outraged.

[via Slashdot]

Encyclopaedic Porn

2004-10-27T13:23:00.000-04:00

Using the Internet for good and not evil, someone is attempting to document porn movies whose titles parody 'real' movies.

All That Jizm, Raiders Of The Lost Arse -- what memories!

The site invites contributions; are we the only ones who remember Fleshdance?

Nappy-Headed Jesus

2004-10-27T11:19:00.000-04:00

A British newspaper has resurrected the old "Jesus was black" thing by naming the King of Kings the number one black icon in history, on a list with Oprah and Bob Marley.

Poppycock, say we. The Lamb Without Blemish resembled neither Jeffrey Hunter, nor Bernie Mac.

We think the Author of Salvation looked exactly like Sacramento Kings forward David Bluthenthal.

We Shall Overcome... With Blackjack

2004-10-26T16:09:00.000-04:00

Las Vegas casinos have pumped millions into an effort to legalize gambling in Nebraska.

They've also brought in Katharine Spilde, an "expert" who says that casinos provide well-paying jobs and career opportunities that many other employers can't match.

Since Spilde is a fellow with the Harvard Project on American Indian Economic Development, we can only assume that Harvard has a somewhat avant-garde view on what constitutes "development."

What does the Harvard Project on African-American Development advocate? Legalizing the sale of crack?

Jews In Basketball: The Shortlist

2004-10-26T13:31:00.000-04:00

Quick - guess how many Jews are in the NBA? Only one, and even he is brown!

David Bluthenthal of the Sacramento Kings carries the mantle of Jewish excellence all alone in his chosen field.

Amazingly, there are 36 Jews in the NCAA.

Where do they all go after college? We demand an investigation!

Guardian to Bush: Drop Dead

2004-10-25T15:04:00.000-04:00

Guardian Unlimited columnist Charlie Brooker called Bush a "lying, sniggering, drink-driving, selfish, reckless, ignorant, dangerous, backward, drooling, twitching, blinking, mouse-faced little cheat" in his weekend column, and also expressed the desire to see someone shoot him.

Rule Britannia, even though the Guardian apologized.

If Mr. Brooker's comment offended you, perhaps you should register as a U.S. patriot.

Interracial Couple Hall of Fame: The Eberts

2004-10-21T18:12:00.000-04:00

We still remember the morning Howard Stern outed Roger Ebert as half of an interracial couple -- our heart leapt!

Ebert married trial lawyer Chaz Hammelsmith, in 1993, clearly an autumnal romance for them both.

She's a tad mannish, but as we've always thought him a bit feminine, they make a rather natural-looking couple, no?

carefreemistrust salutes you, doubly. You are the first ICHF-ers to appear in the same photograph!

Separated At Birth

2004-10-21T17:00:00.000-04:00

SNL's Rachel Dratch and freakshow mascot Nelson de la Rosa!

A cheap joke, but it's a slow news day.

Career Deathbed: Richard Dreyfuss

2004-10-21T16:33:00.000-04:00

Barely two weeks after renouncing films, ex-actor and talentless fuck Richard Dreyfuss has dropped out of the London production of The Producers.

Apparently, 56 year-old Dreyfuss is too old to sing and dance at the same time, so who's to replace him? None other than 48 year-old Nathan Lane.

Obvious update: Dreyfuss was likely fired for having a big mouth and no musical theatre skills.

Separate, But Equally Disgusting Halloweens

2004-10-21T13:19:00.000-04:00

While white people amuse themselves by dressing their pets up as male strippers and hula dancers, Detroiters are busy rounding up local sex offenders lest they decide to use trick-or-treaters to gratify their sexual urges.

Oh, for the halycon days of razor-stuffed apples and heroin-dipped lollipops!

Park Service Opens Faith-Based Gift Shop

2004-10-20T13:44:00.000-04:00

The next time you're in the Grand Canyon gift shop, be sure to pick up a copy of Grand Canyon: A Different View, which explains how the Biblical flood created the Grand Canyon.

After some brouhaha, our National Park Service will continue to sell the book with the approval of the Bush administration.

Suggested further reading:

5,000 Years of Geology: A Retrospective

Fossils: Friend or Foe?

In the Beginning, God Created the Heavens and the Earth, Asshole

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Bulgaria

2004-10-20T11:31:00.000-04:00

There's only one word to describe Bulgaria: cheap. But would we want to live there?

It is, after all, the archetypal former Soviet nation-state: provincial, antiquated, and polluted. Bulgarians nod their heads to signify "yes," and wag them when they mean "no," sort of like Vermont.

Pros:

1. Bulgarians celebrate Cyrillic Alphabet Day, and have two Christmas Days. Apparently, December 26 was originally a secular holiday created confound the Soviet ban on religious observance. Cheeky!

2. Cheap, cheap, cheap! The Bulgarian lev is worth about 60 cents, and an expensive meal in Sofia costs about 20-25 lev.

3. The European Commission now considers Bulgaria "a functioning market economy," and is considering considering it for EU membership.

Cons:

1. Bulgaria is building a nuclear power plant. With Russian-made reactors.

2. Oops, looks like they forgot to purge their Soviet-era military leaders!

3. The European Commission: "Trafficking in human beings is a serious problem and needs to be addressed."

Assessment:

Sounds like Detroit, minus the turkey wings. Pass.

Next week: Japan

Herro! Beat Running Dog At Own Game

2004-10-19T15:42:00.000-04:00

Chinese company Fufeng has registered the phrase "Happy Birthday" as its trademark in 25 countries, including the U.S., Japan and the European Union.

We tried to find this company on the Internet, but -- oh, right.

Jerry's Back!

2004-10-18T15:22:00.000-04:00

In a bold move, the Los Angeles Film Critics Association has chosen to bestow Jerry Lewis with its lifetime achievement award this year.

Book Jerry now for a speaking engagement, before his price goes up!

Mud-Slinging Memories

2004-10-18T14:58:00.000-04:00

The American Museum of the Moving Image has an exhibit of presidential campaign commercials dating back to 1952.

Halcyon highlights include Eisenhower's 1956 "Housewife" commercial:

"To be happy, it's important to like your neighbors and for them to like you. So think how really important it is for the whole world to like and respect the President of the United States."

Charming, no?

Barry Manilow: Homo... phobe?

2004-10-15T14:32:00.000-04:00

Barry Manilow has apologized for a perceived gay slight uttered during a concert at Madison Square Garden.

Manilow introduced a duet with a male singer by joking, "Of course, we're not going to sing it to each other -- that would be creepy."

Interracial Couple Hall of Fame: Eartha & Orson

2004-10-14T18:00:00.001-04:00

Eartha Kitt met Orson Welles in Europe when she was 24. He described her as "the most exciting woman in the world" and cast her as Helen of Troy in his 1951 staging of Faust.

We are not aware that Eartha has explicitly admitted a sexual relationship, and we're too lazy to read her autobiography, but Welles doesn't strike us as the Daddy Warbucks type when it comes to talent-scouting.

carefreemistrust salutes you.

Colored Currency

2004-10-14T16:58:00.000-04:00

Every month is Black History Month for us, and today we are pleased to bring you black people on paper money!

The U.S. Civil War Center has an exhibit featuring currency that depicts slaves.

[via Grow A Brain]

More Firemen Crash Than Burn

2004-10-14T13:43:00.000-04:00

The U.S. Fire Administration (now part of the Department of Homeland Security) has issued its annual report on firefighter fatalies.

In 2003, more firefighters died driving to and from fires than actually fighting fires; moreover, vehicle collisions were the second leading cause of fatal injury. 16 firefighters died of heart attacks at the fire scene.

Gee, you think alcohol is involved?

Journey To The End Of Detroit: The Clap

2004-10-14T11:54:00.000-04:00

Men's Health magazine has named Detroit the STD capital of the United States.

In case you're keeping score, it also has the least nutritious airport food, the worst police, and the unhappiest workforce.

Detroit has, however, been dubbed the "Healthy Sleep Capital," but only because it has a pioneering program to teach poor children how to sleep.

Kinte Korner

2004-10-13T16:10:00.000-04:00

First-African-Woman-to-Win-a -Nobel-Peace-Prize Wangari Maathai believes that HIV is a man-made biological agent created to kill black people.

In related news, menthol cigarettes are owned by the KKK, and contain fiberglass.

Prohibition Party Apostasy

2004-10-12T16:55:00.000-04:00

Good news, teetotalers! A Prohibition Party schism has produced two presidential candidates on the temperance wagon.

After the historically poor return of 208 votes in 2000, party members gave the boot to five-time candidate Earl Dodge and nominated Gene Amondson.

Dodge refused to accept the ouster, and continues to run as the Prohibition candidate, although his text-only party Web site belies his popularity.

Terrible Turkmen

2004-10-12T13:57:00.000-04:00

Move over, Kim Chong-il!

There's a much more amusing megalomaniacal president-for-life on the world stage: Saparmurat Niyazov, known to his people "Turkmenbashi the Great."

Niyazov has banned beards, gold teeth and the circus. He has also renamed the month of January after himself and created a public holiday to celebrate the cantaloupe.

David A "Grower," Not A "Shower"

2004-10-11T14:01:00.000-04:00

An Italian anatomist has explained away the minute genitalia of Michelangelo's statue David.

The excuse is that the now 500 year-old statue depicts David moments before his battle with Goliath, and thus he is somewhat nervous.

We never thought about it before, but David is uncut. That's all wrong, isn't it?

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Norway

2004-10-08T16:59:00.000-04:00

We turn our attention to the Kingdom of Norway, "the land of the midnight sun."

We actually have no desire to live in Norway, but we admire their pluck for putting up with the Nazis for five years and not joining the EU, so we thought we'd give them a tumble.

Pros:

1. Capitalist welfare states are A-OK in our book!

2. Nearly everyone in Oslo speaks English, thank God. Not that we won't try to speak whatever they speak normally, of course.

3. The United Nations has decreed Norway the "Best Place to Live" for four years in a row.

Cons:

1. Norway's lifeblood is oil. The oil is going to run out.

2. Apparently, you've been in Norway too long "if you actually believe that there is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing."

3. Fish. We're allergic to fish. A traditional Christmastime dish is lutefisk -- dried cod soaked in lye. Thank you, no.

Preliminary Assessment: Well, the fish allergy combined with the fact that we're also allergic to Lutherans pretty much rules this country out entirely.

Next week: Bulgaria

Weight Watchers As We Knew It

2004-10-08T13:43:00.000-04:00

Candyboots has posted a cache of Weight Watchers recipe cards, circa 1974.

For our part, we vividly remember our dear old mother using these to lose the baby weight she blamed on us.

Unfortunately, the Weight Watchers plan proved less successful than her current all-vodka diet, but thanks for the memories!

[via Monkeyfilter]

Interracial Couple Hall of Fame: The Klemperers

2004-10-05T13:56:00.000-04:00

Actors Kim Hamilton and the late Werner "Colonel Klink" Klemperer were married in the 1970's until his death in 2000. She was his fourth wife.

Klemperer, son of renowned conductor Otto Klemperer, fled Nazi Germany with his family at 15; Hamilton, reportedly, was married first at age 13.

carefreemistrust salutes you.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: St. Kitts & Nevis

2004-10-01T16:31:00.000-04:00

St. Kitt's & Nevis might be our best option yet - fuck Europe!

These British-y Caribbean islands seem friendly enough, and because of hurricanes and whatnot, are badly in need of money and investors.

Pros:

1. Low humidity. We know, it's sort of an obsession.

2. Cute place-names, like Saint George Gingerland and Saint John Figtree.

3. Killer Bee Rum Punch!

Cons:

1. Potential civil war between St. Kitt's and Nevis, which, apparently, has been trying to secede for some time.

2. The death penalty was re-established in 1998. Death penalty and inevitable drug-taking do not mix, especially for expats!

Preliminary Assessment: Now number one on list, and certainly our next vacation, for further information-gathering.

Next week: Norway

Dodgers' Stadium

2004-09-30T18:47:00.000-04:00

The city of Nelson, British Columbia is considering a memorial to Vietnam-era draft dodgers from the U.S. Obviously, there are those who would deny this podunk town a few tourist dollars on the principle that lawbreakers should not be celebrated.

Yet how is this situation much different from the celebration of the "Underground Railroad?" After all, at the time slavery was legal and escape was punishable by law, no?

Journey To The End Of Detroit

2004-09-30T11:54:00.000-04:00

Continuing Detroit's grand tradition of utter hopelessness, Frito-Lay employees arrived at work this morning only to find that their plant had been closed.

But hey, they should have seen it coming: the Web link to Frito-Lay's program for minority business development is dead.

Whiskey Into Water

2004-09-29T18:12:00.000-04:00

Jack Daniel's has quietly lowered the alcohol content of its flagship Old No. 7 whiskey, and a few people are appalled, Modern Drunkard editor Frank Kelly Rich among them.

There's an illiterate on-line petition you can sign, if you're that bored.

Funny Girl Off Deep End

2004-09-29T13:30:00.000-04:00

Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart.

Professional fake agoraphobe Barbra Streisand has an archive of political "statements and speeches" on her official Web site, including this version of "People" she sang at a Kerry fundraiser:

People...
I mean G-O-P people...
Who'd believe there's such people in this world?
Bush seeza
Lotta Condoleeza,
They're dividing the planet's oil
According to Richard "Poil"
And they're all just trainees
of Cheney's!

God help us all.

[sort of via Drudge]

Molestation on the Bounty

2004-09-29T13:21:00.000-04:00

Wearied by salacious media obsessed with Kobe Bryant and child pornography?

Well, have pity on Pitcairn Island, population 50(!), where half of the adult male population will soon be on trial for a total of 60 sex offenses, many against children.

Pitcairn was, of course, originally settled by Fletcher Christian, the "mutineer" of HMS Bounty, and his followers, along with a handful of Tahitians.

It is now a British colony, and there seems to be a bit of a culture clash when it comes to sex with teenagers.

Pitcairners have only 10 hours of electricity a day, so they're probably a tad bored.

Tasteless Tidbits

2004-09-28T17:42:00.000-04:00

carefreemistrust has been a little moody lately, but it'll take a few more months of self-imposed isolation before we:

1. Commission a Hostess snack wedding cake.

2. Buy John Ritter's old suit.

3. Hope my cell phone makes my breasts larger.

[via NewYorkish]

Gonzales No So Speedy

2004-09-28T16:33:00.000-04:00

Local "Latino" politicos have forced Oakland, California police to stop setting up DUI roadblocks because they're catching too many illegal immigrants who don't have driver's licenses. It only stands to reason that non-licensed, non-English-speaking drivers pose no threat on the road.

We're afraid that we have to agree with Schwarzenazi on this one, and we don't even drive!

UPDATE: Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown has ordered the checkpoints resumed! And you thought we were reactionaries, didn't you?

RIP One Ton O' Fun

2004-09-28T15:34:00.000-04:00

We don't normally exhibit emotion here, but Izora Rhodes Armstead (right), one half of the singing duo the Weather Girls, has died.

Her partner, Martha Wash, is somewhat more famous, having successfully sued C&C Music Factory for having her vocals lip-synched by a thinner, more attractive woman in its videos, including Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's raining men, yeah!

Born Yesterday

2004-09-27T17:07:00.000-04:00

"I realized we had been scammed at about 2am after we sent the Western Union $6700.00...."

Dateline NBC ran a story last night on the so-called "International Lottery Scam" that is, naturally, "targeting the elderly."

Since when are the adjectives "old" and "stupid" mutually exclusive? Newsflash, Grampa: people do not call you on the telephone and ask you to buy $10,000 worth of lottery tickets.

If you can't get enough of the galling self-pity of the idiotic, we recommend the message boards over at Scam Victims United; they actually advocate that the FDIC reimburse them for those bounced Nigerian checks.

Securing A Beachhead On The Shores Of The Uterine Sea

2004-09-27T15:35:00.000-04:00

There's one way for some reservists to avoid active duty in Iraq: get suddenly pregnant!

Well, it's more immediate tha enrolling in graduate school and easier than running for office.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Monaco

2004-09-24T18:01:00.000-04:00

Monaco, unfortunately, just won't do for us, since the government seems to have something against convicted criminals.

But you, dear reader, certainly have no such stigma, so we will provide a brief summary nonetheless:

Pros:

1. It's pretty.

Cons:

1. Monaco has one policeman for every 100 residents; in New York City, the ratio is 1:200.

2. Monaco has a system of 24-hour video surveillance spanning the entire surface area of the Principality.

3. You must deposit 400,000 Euros in a Monaco bank while they consider your application for residency.

Preliminary Assessment: Let's move on, shall we?

Next week: Saint Kitts & Nevis

Herro! Geisha No Horny

2004-09-24T13:44:00.000-04:00

The BBC has a lovely photo essay on a Kyoto geisha, and once again it is asserted that geishas do not provide sexual favors.

We don't read over-hyped commercial fiction, but we still don't buy it.

In other prostitution-related news, a Guatemalan all-prostitute soccer team was ejected from a tournament after rowdy fans started chanting "One, two, three, whore!"

Can A Nigga Get A Laugh?

2004-09-24T11:44:00.000-04:00

Several major newspapers refused to run this week's series of "The Boondocks" comic strips, which features a fictional reality show called "Can a Nigga Get a Job?"

We don't normally read this painfully unfunny strip, but we feel it our duty to support every black person who exhibits a sense of humor. All three of them.

Rather Under Fire - The Geek Science

2004-09-23T18:45:00.000-04:00

Obsessed about CBS and the forged memos? Need more ammunition for your lengthy rants?

A self-described "pioneer of electronic typesetting" examines the documents more closely than -- as Dan might say -- "a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."

Or something like that.

Mohammed Offers Free Checking; Can Your Jesus Do That?

2004-09-23T17:03:00.001-04:00

The first Islamic bank has opened in Britain, offering no-interest loans and pornography-free investing.

Headline notwithstanding, Islamic banks can charge fees, but we'll be happy to wear a burqa, which is all we can afford to wear, thanks in large part to those Christian carpetbaggers over at Chase.

Herro! I Love you!

2004-09-22T17:05:00.000-04:00

Aspiring interracial daters, take heart -- the self-help genre has embraced you!

The Interracial Dating Book for Black Women Who Want to Date White Men promises to make you more "interracially approachable."

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men will help you "pursue and succeed with that white woman you are after."

We can't help but imagine the Cliff's Notes:

TIDBBWWWDWM:

1. Real hair helps.
2. Lose weight
3. Stop yelling.

HTDTWWAPGAM:

1. Make money.
2. Be tall.
3. Leave China/Korea/Hmongtown once in a while.

Cybillgate

2004-09-22T16:22:00.000-04:00

We know you've seen it, but we want to be able to look at it whenever we want to -- her face, shining with the dead-pan defiance of the corny prop comic.

As an aside, we hope you realize that this could only be front-page news in this humorless, phony country of ours.

October Surprise Party

2004-09-22T15:23:00.000-04:00

octobersurprise.net asks, "What tricks will BushCo pull to attempt to win the election in November?" If you have any predictions, you're invited to share them.

Our prediction: the FBI discovers more mock documents in Dan Rather's desk drawer, including Bush's college transcript, Halliburton's no-bid contract,
and Bruno Hauptmann's written confession.

Rather Under Fire - The Store

2004-09-21T13:49:00.000-04:00

As the Dan Rather pseudo-scandal continues to grab headlines, someone at least is patriotically focused on the profit motive with a whimsically misspelled line of t-shirts.

comedian.blogspot.com has a more extensive "Rathergate" line of clothing.

Schwarzenazi's Clubhouse

2004-09-21T13:18:00.000-04:00

Foreign-born state official Arnold Schwarzenegger has erected a "smoking tent" in the courtyard of California's Capitol office building.

Schwarzenegghead conducts official business in the "cabana-style" tent, but sadly, the inclusion of windows precludes the usual transsexual hooker hijinks.

The good news? There are rumors that Schwarzenasshole hates being governor.

Insert Russian Drunk Joke Here

2004-09-21T11:54:00.000-04:00

Mikhail Kalashnikov, 84 year-old inventor of the eponymous assault rifle, now has his own eponymous brand of vodka.

At $24 a bottle, we'll stick to Georgi, thank you!

Kill Me Now Movie Previews

2004-09-17T17:43:00.000-04:00

A cursory glance at Done Deal reminds us why we don't go to the movies anymore and spend our money on drugs instead.

Remakes/Rehashings in store:

Isis
(Starring whom? Brittany Murphy? It didn't even work on TV, really. We know -- we're old)

Alvin and the Chipmunks
(Who the fuck under the age of 40 will find them the least bit entertaining? The gag is based on revolutions per minute, for christ's sake)

Revenge of the Nerds
(Whaaa???????????????????)

Torch
(A remake of the Ruth Etting biopic Love Me or Leave Me, starring Doris Day and James Cagney. The remake stars Pacino. Watch out!)

Hawaii Five-O
(There's already a TV remake that blows)

I won't even mention the "original" scripts, like the next Halle Berry mess, because after finding out about it, I need a drink. And a bath.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Luxembourg

2004-09-17T15:42:00.000-04:00

Ah, Luxembourg! In our ongoing quest to expatriate ourselves, we turn our eyes to this Rhode Island-sized country squeezed in by Germany, Belgium, and a little bit of France.

Frankly, Luxembourg seems to be a tad provincial -- apparently, the only famous person born there was Edward Steichen, the American photographer -- but hey, we're from Detroit so we shouldn't throw stones.

Pros:

1. Citizens of Luxembourg are Luxembourgeois, which is pret-ty cool.

2. Royals aplenty. Luxembourg is the world's only Grand Duchy, they're not bad-looking, and the Grand-Duchess is Cuban.

3. The average July temperature is 63.5 degrees Fahrenheit!

Cons:

1. Luxembourg could be humorless, sort of the worst of France and the worst of Germany combined. The official tourism Web site states: "In Luxembourg, toys were not widespread until the 1920s."

2. The food could be a problem. Staples include Hausmacher Jelli (Pork in Aspic) and Rieslingspaschtéit (Meat pie with Riesling).

3. 3.6% unemployment, and apparently they're not averse to foreigners working there!

Preliminary Assessment:

I love the climate, and although I get this weird feeling that it's kind of boring, it's still number one on our list until we can find somewhere better.

Next week: Monaco

Crime Pays

2004-09-17T13:43:00.000-04:00

Sincee Callahan, a black woman, managed to bilk some well-off white citizens in Alpharetta, Georgia for more than $30,000.

How? By promising to publish a magazine, The Alpharetta Social Registrar, and then skipping town.

Kill Dana Rohrabacher

2004-09-16T17:52:00.000-04:00

Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is now the most dangerous man alive and must be stopped.

He has just introduced a bill to allow the foreign-born to become President of the United States.

What kind of hideous ass-fucker is named Dana, anyway?

I know, it's ugly talk - but these are ugly times.

Reading Speedy

2004-09-16T17:13:00.000-04:00

Book-A-Minute Classics presents ultra-condensed literature for your time-efficient enjoyment. Here's an example,The Collected Work of Jane Austen, By Jane Austen:

Female Lead
I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.

Male Lead
I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.

(They find out.)

THE END

[via Attu sees all]

Rosh Hashanah Roundup

2004-09-15T13:33:00.000-04:00

Buchenwald is opening a gift shop. Finally!

There are now 13 million Jews worldwide. Way to go!

Israeli refuseniks released, after two years in military prison.

Cult descends on Israel, pop star in tow.

L'Shana tova!

CHiPs Saves Arnold

2004-09-14T17:42:00.000-04:00
The California Highway Patrol today intercepted a rigged letter intended for "Governor" Schwarzenegger.

In other news, the Mod Squad set out to help an ex-football player find out who really killed his wife.

Sphincterine is Here

2004-09-14T17:22:00.000-04:00
Feeling unfresh... back there?

Try Sphincterine Ass-tringent!

And never say that we're too intellectual for ass humor!

Brother, Can You Spare a Job?

2004-09-14T13:30:00.000-04:00
According to a British anti-virus firm Sophos, some computer virus writers are looking for work -- through the code of their viruses.

On a personal note, please find the plea for some Quaaludes embedded in my source code.

Hitler Entertainment News

2004-09-14T11:40:00.000-04:00
The Downfall: Hitler and the End of the Third Reich, a new German film, supposedly shows Hitler's "human" side.

In this "controversial" dramatization, Hitler apparently pets a dog and fails to shoot his secretary when she makes a mistake. What's next? Manson enjoying a meal and complimenting the chef??

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Liechtenstein

2004-09-13T18:27:00.000-04:00
Continuing our series exploring our emigration options, we turn our eye to Liechtenstein, the oft-mocked tiny principality next to Austria.

Pros:

1. According to the CIA, Liechtenstein has a history of "shortcomings in banking regulatory oversight." We sure wish Chase had more "shortcomings."

2. Our birthday (August 15) is a national holiday there. Could be a "con," though, if everything's closed.

3. We're a sucker for constitutional monarchies, we must admit, and the Liechtensteins are very attractive.

Cons:

1. Liechtenstein is doubly landlocked, like Uzbekistan! We could be in trouble if there's another anschluss, or something.

2. There are only 29,000 jobs, 12,000 of which are taken by Swiss or Austrian commuters.

3. After joining the EU, Liechtenstein won a special concession limiting immigration into their precious fucking little country.

Preliminary Assessment:

Once again, with only 17,000 jobs to choose from, we may be looking at more dish-washing. But once again, we won't have to listen to Oprah or J-Lo anymore.

Next week: Luxembourg

Rather Under Fire

2004-09-13T18:02:00.001-04:00
Though of course the 60 Minutes/Dan Rather brouhaha continues unabated, one Web site has been devoted to debunking Dan for more than four years now: RatherBiased.com

Even though we're sure the documents are fake (hey - we were born in 1968 - we remember what typewriting looks like!), we don't blame Rather. I mean, does the viewin audience really think he actually does any of the work on these pieces?

Yes, Virginia, there are these people called p-r-o-d-u-c-e-r-s who get gold stars for coming up with "blockbuster" s-t-o-r-i-e-s....

Crackers in Bed

2004-09-13T17:38:00.000-04:00
Here's more evidence that we New Yorkers are more to be pitied than envied: two new restaurants here plan to serve food to you in bed.

This, in a city with 300,000 Mexicans but without one single fucking decent Mexican restaurant.

Vanity Vatos

2004-09-07T17:27:00.000-04:00
According to The Smoking Gun, certain vulgar Spanish-speaking people are now ordering obscene vanity plates in their native tongue.

We don't really care, but we do wonder how these get past the Spanish-speaking people that presumably work at the DMV, who force us to listen to "press 1 for Spanish" and "hold the line for English" whenever we call them.