Equal Opportunity Suffering

Gay marrieds are already starting to file for divorces in Massachusetts -- seven months after gay marriage was legalized.

We're on the record as being against all marriage, but couldn't these people hold on a little longer just for appearances?

Even black people waited more than 20 years before they started acting up.

Missing Body Parts Outnumber Body Bags

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that using combat death tolls to communicate the intensity of an armed conflict is no longer justifiable.

Medical personnel in the field save more lives, but for every 10 combat deaths, about 100 troops are injured, many seriously enough that they would not have survived in Vietnam.

Natalie Portman Just Ain't 'Folks'

Actress-we've-never-seen Natalie Portman has issued an apology for a statement she claims was -- surprise -- an incomplete thought.

An interview in August's Allure magazine (not pictured here), quoted Portman as saying 'I'm not black, but I know what it feels like.'

Portman has a written a letter stating that the pronoun 'it' was 'not intended to signify that I know "how black people feel" but rather that I know what Dubois' (Souls of Black Folk author W.E.B. DuBois) concept of double-consciousness feels like.'

Wow! How many times did Portman have to blow Henry Louis Gates to get that kind of an education?

Tintin's Head Examined

A team of Canadian researchers believe they have discovered why Tintin, the intrepid boy reporter, has exhibited no post-adolescent growth after 1929.

Their study posits that Tintin has acquired growth hormone deficiency and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, as a result of 50 significant losses of consciousness during his 75 year-long career.

A 2000 study, also published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, diagnosed Winnie-the-Pooh with co-existing ADHD and OCD.

Interracial Couple Hall Of Fame: The Davises

In 1960, song-and-dance man Sammy Davis, Jr. married Swedish-born actress May Britt.

More than half of U.S states forbade interracial marriages in 1960, and the fact that their union was that of an Afro-Hispanic man and a European woman certainly did not sit well.

Even JFK reportedly insisted that an aide hide Britt during a meeting of black leaders before the press photographers spotted her.

After her divorce from Sammy, Britt stuck to raising her three kids with Sammy. She eventually married another Swede.

carefreemistrust salutes you.

Kristmas Party Kock-Up

The British National Party, whose platform is 'to preserve the British race,' inadvertently hired a black DJ for its Christmas party.

Apparently, the DJ -- named Derek -- was a last-minute replacement, prompting a classic explanation: "It was a bit of a cock-up... he sounded white over the phone."

The BNP has fired back that the DJ 'proved most professional and was, in turn, treated with the utmost courtesy.'

'White-sounding,' professional, and named 'Derek': Bill Cosby would be proud!

Every Which Way

Wired magazine examines the future of traffic engineering in the U.S. and abroad.

Apparently, road designers are discovering that roads are sometimes safer if they lack traffic signals, road signs, and directional markers.

Amway Cult Leader Dead

Jay Van Andel, the Bill Wilson of the multi-level marketing scheme, has died.

Van Andel was a co-founder of the Amway Corporation, the world's largest and most successful legal pyramid scheme.

Have you ever, as we have, had a friend stop by for a chat only to present a sales pitch for Amway products and to ask you to join the Amway 'team'? Do you remember the glassy-eyed stare and the aura of contentment, even as you politely, yet quickly, ushered them out of your house?

Then you will join us in a symbolic expectoration upon this man's grave.

Portion Distortion

The National Institutes of Health has a fun little diversion for those of you who are obese and despairing of losing weight.

Their 'Portion Distortion Quiz' compares the current average serving sizes of popular foodstuffs with those of yore, and then estimates how much exercise is required to burn off the calories of each comestible item.

Happy eating!

Herro! Rife Not Worth Riving

Nine out of 10 Chinese calling a suicide-prevention hotline in Beijing get a busy signal.

Suicide is one of the top five causes of death in mainland China. In Shanghai, a recent study found that 25% of children age 8 to 15 have contemplated suicide.

Rural Chinese women are the most likely suicides, probably because they're so hungry.

For their part, the Japanese appear to be forming internet suicide groups that encourage and abet potential suicides.

We prefer not to take suicide too seriously, but you must have already guessed that.

Kinte Korner

A group of hitchhikers were forced to dig up an occupied coffin at gunpoint last week in Harare.

Apparently, the death rate is so high (thank you, AIDS) -- and Zimbabweans are so poor -- that people are forced to buy their caskets from graverobbers.

Crank It Up!

A Tennessee state task force on methamphetamine addiction focused on the supposed 'aphrodisiac' qualities of the drug at a recent meeting.

One obstetrician/minister(!) stated:

The effect of an IV hit of methamphetamine is the equivalent of 10 orgasms all on top of each other lasting for 30 minutes to an hour, with a feeling of arousal that lasts for another day and a half.

Now, how the fuck would she know that?

Buy Nothing Christmas

Those crazy Mennonites are at it again.

Buy Nothing Christmas is 'an initiative started by Canadian Mennonites to counter-act consumerism.

Unfortunately, we will be exploiting their good works and true Christian spirit by using this as an excuse to spend our money on some booze and Viagra. Thanks for the extra bucks, Jesus!


[via attu sees all]

Targeting The Salvation Army

Mega-retailer Target had barred The Salvation Army from collecting donations outside its stores.

In a word to the outraged, let us point out that The Salvation Army is an evangelical Christian church, whose mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Salvation Army offers 'rehabilitation' to alcoholics in exchange for their captive audience, refuses to offer its staff health benefits for their gay partners, and in the past has received as much as $300 million in federal funding.

We say, 'Fuck The Salvation Army!'

'Phil The Sore': No 'Smokey The Bear'

A Los Angeles county ad campaign featuring a cartoon character -- the lovable, yet gruff STD symptom Phil The Syphilis Sore -- has turned off local television stations.

A PSA featuring a live-action Phil has been rejected by five local television stations.

The campaign is aimed at the gay community, and a quick perusal reveals that it is not Phil who is offending, but rather the stubbly S&M types and the buff pretty-boy gay men depicted in the PSA and other materials.

We prefer to glean sexual education from classic message movies like V.D. (1961) or the neighborhood kids.

Ugly Kids Become Ugly Rock Stars

A Portugese Web site has collected amusing childhood photographs of rock musicians.

Shown here is current has-been Tommy Lee, for whom music was merely the last way-station on the showbiz highway.

Pulling Porky's Pud

Self-explanatory British "reality" television show "The Farm" featured a woman masturbating a boar for ten minutes to collect its semen.

Even more shocking was the spotting of ex-famous person Vanilla Ice on this show, which astounds and confuses us, given his holier-than-thou attitude on "The Surreal Life" toward the has-been professionalism of Erik Estrada.

Update: Tne British Office of Communications ruled Monday that the pig was not degraded by experiencing a televised sexual experience.

Equal Opportunity Suffering

Gay marrieds are already starting to file for divorces in Massachusetts -- seven months after gay marriage was legalized.

We're on the record as being against all marriage, but couldn't these people hold on a little longer just for appearances?

Even black people waited more than 20 years before they started acting up.

Missing Body Parts Outnumber Body Bags

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that using combat death tolls to communicate the intensity of an armed conflict is no longer justifiable.

Medical personnel in the field save more lives, but for every 10 combat deaths, about 100 troops are injured, many seriously enough that they would not have survived in Vietnam.

Natalie Portman Just Ain't 'Folks'

Actress-we've-never-seen Natalie Portman has issued an apology for a statement she claims was -- surprise -- an incomplete thought.

An interview in August's Allure magazine (not pictured here), quoted Portman as saying 'I'm not black, but I know what it feels like.'

Portman has a written a letter stating that the pronoun 'it' was 'not intended to signify that I know "how black people feel" but rather that I know what Dubois' (Souls of Black Folk author W.E.B. DuBois) concept of double-consciousness feels like.'

Wow! How many times did Portman have to blow Henry Louis Gates to get that kind of an education?

Tintin's Head Examined

A team of Canadian researchers believe they have discovered why Tintin, the intrepid boy reporter, has exhibited no post-adolescent growth after 1929.

Their study posits that Tintin has acquired growth hormone deficiency and hypogonadotropic hypogonadism, as a result of 50 significant losses of consciousness during his 75 year-long career.

A 2000 study, also published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal, diagnosed Winnie-the-Pooh with co-existing ADHD and OCD.

Interracial Couple Hall Of Fame: The Davises

In 1960, song-and-dance man Sammy Davis, Jr. married Swedish-born actress May Britt.

More than half of U.S states forbade interracial marriages in 1960, and the fact that their union was that of an Afro-Hispanic man and a European woman certainly did not sit well.

Even JFK reportedly insisted that an aide hide Britt during a meeting of black leaders before the press photographers spotted her.

After her divorce from Sammy, Britt stuck to raising her three kids with Sammy. She eventually married another Swede.

carefreemistrust salutes you.

Kristmas Party Kock-Up

The British National Party, whose platform is 'to preserve the British race,' inadvertently hired a black DJ for its Christmas party.

Apparently, the DJ -- named Derek -- was a last-minute replacement, prompting a classic explanation: "It was a bit of a cock-up... he sounded white over the phone."

The BNP has fired back that the DJ 'proved most professional and was, in turn, treated with the utmost courtesy.'

'White-sounding,' professional, and named 'Derek': Bill Cosby would be proud!

Every Which Way

Wired magazine examines the future of traffic engineering in the U.S. and abroad.

Apparently, road designers are discovering that roads are sometimes safer if they lack traffic signals, road signs, and directional markers.

Amway Cult Leader Dead

Jay Van Andel, the Bill Wilson of the multi-level marketing scheme, has died.

Van Andel was a co-founder of the Amway Corporation, the world's largest and most successful legal pyramid scheme.

Have you ever, as we have, had a friend stop by for a chat only to present a sales pitch for Amway products and to ask you to join the Amway 'team'? Do you remember the glassy-eyed stare and the aura of contentment, even as you politely, yet quickly, ushered them out of your house?

Then you will join us in a symbolic expectoration upon this man's grave.

Portion Distortion

The National Institutes of Health has a fun little diversion for those of you who are obese and despairing of losing weight.

Their 'Portion Distortion Quiz' compares the current average serving sizes of popular foodstuffs with those of yore, and then estimates how much exercise is required to burn off the calories of each comestible item.

Happy eating!

Herro! Rife Not Worth Riving

Nine out of 10 Chinese calling a suicide-prevention hotline in Beijing get a busy signal.

Suicide is one of the top five causes of death in mainland China. In Shanghai, a recent study found that 25% of children age 8 to 15 have contemplated suicide.

Rural Chinese women are the most likely suicides, probably because they're so hungry.

For their part, the Japanese appear to be forming internet suicide groups that encourage and abet potential suicides.

We prefer not to take suicide too seriously, but you must have already guessed that.

Kinte Korner

A group of hitchhikers were forced to dig up an occupied coffin at gunpoint last week in Harare.

Apparently, the death rate is so high (thank you, AIDS) -- and Zimbabweans are so poor -- that people are forced to buy their caskets from graverobbers.

Crank It Up!

A Tennessee state task force on methamphetamine addiction focused on the supposed 'aphrodisiac' qualities of the drug at a recent meeting.

One obstetrician/minister(!) stated:

The effect of an IV hit of methamphetamine is the equivalent of 10 orgasms all on top of each other lasting for 30 minutes to an hour, with a feeling of arousal that lasts for another day and a half.

Now, how the fuck would she know that?

Buy Nothing Christmas

Those crazy Mennonites are at it again.

Buy Nothing Christmas is 'an initiative started by Canadian Mennonites to counter-act consumerism.

Unfortunately, we will be exploiting their good works and true Christian spirit by using this as an excuse to spend our money on some booze and Viagra. Thanks for the extra bucks, Jesus!


[via attu sees all]

Targeting The Salvation Army

Mega-retailer Target had barred The Salvation Army from collecting donations outside its stores.

In a word to the outraged, let us point out that The Salvation Army is an evangelical Christian church, whose mission is to preach the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Salvation Army offers 'rehabilitation' to alcoholics in exchange for their captive audience, refuses to offer its staff health benefits for their gay partners, and in the past has received as much as $300 million in federal funding.

We say, 'Fuck The Salvation Army!'

'Phil The Sore': No 'Smokey The Bear'

A Los Angeles county ad campaign featuring a cartoon character -- the lovable, yet gruff STD symptom Phil The Syphilis Sore -- has turned off local television stations.

A PSA featuring a live-action Phil has been rejected by five local television stations.

The campaign is aimed at the gay community, and a quick perusal reveals that it is not Phil who is offending, but rather the stubbly S&M types and the buff pretty-boy gay men depicted in the PSA and other materials.

We prefer to glean sexual education from classic message movies like V.D. (1961) or the neighborhood kids.

Ugly Kids Become Ugly Rock Stars

A Portugese Web site has collected amusing childhood photographs of rock musicians.

Shown here is current has-been Tommy Lee, for whom music was merely the last way-station on the showbiz highway.

Pulling Porky's Pud

Self-explanatory British "reality" television show "The Farm" featured a woman masturbating a boar for ten minutes to collect its semen.

Even more shocking was the spotting of ex-famous person Vanilla Ice on this show, which astounds and confuses us, given his holier-than-thou attitude on "The Surreal Life" toward the has-been professionalism of Erik Estrada.

Update: Tne British Office of Communications ruled Monday that the pig was not degraded by experiencing a televised sexual experience.