Animatronic Bush

"Laura Bush" can obviously turn this facial expression resembling a smile on and off at will. We wonder, does she still drive?

Third-World Crackerjack

In Florida, some sort of bodega candy included plastic toys that appear to depict a plane flying into the World Trade Center. Another toy seems to depict a plastic Osama bin Laden.

The Lisy Corporation has agreed to recall the bags of candy, as they have cheerfully in the past over choking hazards and sulfite-laden shrimp. No strangers to the FDA, they!

Cialisblog

I'm confused.. is this a joke?

Kinte Korner

Are you bored with the same old weblogs, sputtering on about Linux, or Scientology?

You won't be bored by African blogs!


Sample topics include:

What do you think About Ngugi Wa Thiongo's Attack?

Bill, Melinda and Zambia

Sea-Going Hippos in Gabon

Olympic Medals Per Capita

Turns out that Australians are into math! The Australian Bureau of Statistics is compiling a running tally of the Olympic medal count based on population.

Not that we're rah-rah, but we wonder if this "alternative view" has anything to do with the fact that it puts Australia in second place as of day 12:

ABS medal tally:

1. Bahamas
2. Australia
3. Greece
4. New Zealand
5. Norway

Victory over Verizon

We normally refrain from indulging in personal victory, but we just succeeded in getting Verizon to repair our telephone for free.

How, you ask? By simply threatening to cancel our account. We weren't exactly bluffing, but we were admittedly loath to rely on the cell phone, which of course barely works.

Dutch Courage

Some idiot athlete left his Olympic silver medal in the back of an Athens taxi.

We have always wondered just how drunk and/or high you have to be to leave something that valuable in a taxi?

2001 - Lynn Harrell, presumably following a three-day cocaine binge, leaves $4-million Stradivarius cello in Mohamed Ibrahim's taxi. Ibrahim later complains about $75 "thank-you" check and lack of "thank-you" note.

1999 - Yo-Yo Ma "forgets" $2.5-million, 266-year-old cello in taxi trunk, presumably during the 12th hour of an acid trip.

1997 - A 12-year-old musician "accidentally" leaves her prosthetic arm in a taxi, can't play the cello without it. Yet another crystal meth tragedy among our nation's youth.

Pacman Panderers

We haven't played a "video game" since the early '80's (and even then, not to completion), so we are no doubt the last to hear that the mediaconglom has managed to corrupt games with advertising and product placement on a grand scale.

This is more evil than banner ads, though perhaps somewhat less evil than movie-theatre ads.

Baney

"My name's Baney and I made this site so that I can tell you all about me."


[via Attu sees all]

Kunta Lives

Some good people over at the Associated Press think Kunta Kinte actually existed:

"A 'slavery reconciliation walk' on Sept. 29 is to start at City Dock, where slave Kunta Kinte was brought into the United States and where a memorial stands in honor of him."

Umm... I seem to remember living through this; wasn't Alex Haley's Roots almost completely discredited and adjudged to be at best historical fiction, and largely plagiarized?

Greener Grass

According to Sperling's Best Places, if we moved back to our hometown of Providence, Rhode Island, we would only need to make $27,084 to maintain the standard of living we currently "enjoy" in Brooklyn.

New York is bad, but to put things into perspective, they also say we would only need to earn $26,905 in our birthplace of Detroit, which proves that these people have no idea what a "standard of living" is.

[sort of via Gothamist]

Rapist Lottery Winner Update!

Recently we posted about an imprisoned rapist who won seven million pounds in a UK lottery.

NEWSFLASH:

He is an unrepentant braggart, and he can't wait to get out and spend his money!

The "Roby" Comes to Harlem

We have just been informed (we don't pay much attention to these things, being consistently non-award-winning) that there is such a thing as a "National Black Sports & Entertainment Hall of Fame."

Its most prestigious award (named after Paul Robeson) is the "Roby", or "will be," according to their press. How dig-ni-fied!

We applaud this effort. For too long, black people have been forced to admire other black people in historically unglamorous, undercompensated fields including medicine, engineering, politics, business, manufacturing, law enforcement, and theology.

So we say, stop the ignorance and let's give Ossie Davis yet another award for directing five movies in the 1970's! Let's honor Dorothy Dandridge for being a basket case!

Coal Miner's Sucker

Jack White, not content with thrusting his meager musical talents and general phoniness upon us as half of The White Stripes, has now set his sights on "helping" Loretta Lynn reach a "younger" audience. Who talked her into that one?

Olympic Jailbait

While everyone blathers on about scoring mistakes and tsks-tsks doping, no one seems to care that Communist Chinese are obviously using underage gymnasts!

This is Li Ya, whom the Chinese claim is 18 years old:



The minimum age requirement is 16. We know what you're about to say.. "they're tiny," "they don't have periods," and so on. We don't care; we know a ten year-old when we see one!

Lindbergh Baby Update

A man has stepped forward to identify himself as the long-lost Lindbergh baby. He must be telling the truth - how else did he get the domain name?

[via Presurfer]

Here Come Da Louisiana Judge

Judge Timothy Ellender faces a one-year suspension for wearing a combination slave-clown costume at a Halloween party. Doesn't he know that slaves didn't have 'fros? Not exactly the ideal cotton-picking hairstyle, you know!

Last month, Judge Monty Doggett was kicked off the bench for being in a near-constant state of drunkenness.

"Doggett [said] that, since he was re-elected after his alcoholism was made public, his constituents knew about his problem and didn't care."

Ah! The Marion Barry defense!

Drink-o-meter

"Have you ever wondered how much you've managed to drink in your lifetime?"

Georgi No More

"The Gray Kangaroo is the world's first and only personal liquor filter. With the Gray Kangaroo you can drink cheap liquor with out enduring bad taste, nausea or hangover."

Now all we need is the same thing for cheap Bed-Stuy coke, and we'll be all set!

Just Go to DeVry -- You Don't Have the Connections

On hiatus from the lucrative business of helping sub-intellectual rich kids get into college, The Princeton Review has published its 2005 Best 357 Colleges Rankings, and here's the (excerpted) skinny on our alma mater, Sarah Lawrence College:

Rank
#2 Town-Gown Relations Are Strained
#3 Dodge Ball Targets
#4 Nobody Plays Intramural Sports
#8 Students Ignore God on a Regular Basis
#9 Best Overall Academic Experience For Undergraduates
#10 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular Or Nonexistent

According to our research (and our five long years there), SLC also ties with Brown for the #2 spot in the "Connected Parents" category. Here's a sampling of our fellow alumni:

Jeffrey "J.J." Abrams, "creator" of Alias (son of producer Gerald Abrams)

Yancy Butler, actor/public drunk (daughter of Lovin' Spoonful member Joe Butler)

Ivy Meeropol, "filmmaker" (granddaughter of guilty spies Ethel and Julius Rosenberg)

Joju Cleaver, fake African (daughter of Eldridge Cleaver and Kathleen Cleaver)

Crack Sense

"I's a-goin' to jail anyway, I mights as well smoke the rest of my crack!"

Alcohol-Related Bullshit

It's happening at universities all over the country....

Who agrees that the booze is evil?

Luck is Blind, Too

In Britain, a convicted rapist has won seven million pounds in a lottery. Naturally, the moral tried to take his winnings away, but thankfully the British have sense.

While we do not condone the criminal act of rape, this story is a welcome diversion from the usual goody two-shoe lottery winners in the news, who anonymously give their tickets away to help strangers, or who have cancer.

Although an on-going source of relief from all the divine intervention regarding lottery tickets might be the nigerian-check-scam-esque Lotto short con.

Tear the Roof Off the Sucka

BBC News asked readers to send in pictures of buildings they'd like to see demolished.

May we humbly suggest the the buildings pictured below as a future target for the wrecking ball? Or perhaps Al Qaeda? They look a pair of beard trimmers standing on end, for fuck's sake.

Judge for yourself:

Untying the Knot

A judge in New York State has denied a woman a divorce from her husband, who has admitted to cheating on her. Damn - if only he had lied, or simply failed to tell her the truth, or at the very least he might have just told her a little white lie!

This is why marriage should be abolished. We feel most strongly about this: we even oppose gay marriage on the grounds that one should not have to be married in order to enjoy the civil rights that married couples do, regardless of the sexes of the people concerned.

Moralists and the state would like us all to be married, and society punishes those who are "single", both economically and socially - right now, that includes gay people, but once gays can marry, everyone who thinks marriage is a sham will be left out in the cold, without health insurance.

Goodbye, Anonymous, Instantly-Occurring, and Instantly-Gratifying Sex

It was only a matter of time, but eBay now owns a 25% stake in craigslist.

Does this mean that we will be able to auction off sex, and not just buy it, sell it, or give it away for free?

Obvious jokes aside, this could seriously jeopardize our ability to get drugs.

Foxhole Prayers

Naturally, Michael Jackson made a photo-op appearance in a black church yesterday -- coincidentally one day before a scheduled yet unnecessary court appearance today.

I wish he would decide whether he's pretending to be a Christian or pretending to be a Jehovah's Witness. Probably the former... they have more money, no?

McGreevey Acquires An Alternative Lifestyle

Governor Jim McGreevey just resigned because he is gay!!!!!

Well, not exactly, he resigned because he was about to be blackmailed.

You seem, apparently, he's always been gay, which would explain his seeming pre-occupation with DMV reform, over more traditional New Jersey initiatives, like demeaning/disempowering/imprisoning women, blacks, and immigrants.

McGreevey proclaimed himself a "gay American." Today he's gay. Yesterday, he just fucked dudes.

The Truth About Mike Wallace

Mike Wallace, spent most of yesterday gabbing to the media about his arrest yesterday for "DWW" (double-parking while white).

Naive youngsters may buy his "journalist" pose, but we know that he's really just a game-show host. And an ornery, mentally ill game show host, at that!

Insiders will also tell you that he's hard-of hearing, which is undoubtedly why the cops had to tell him to shut up and sit down three times.

Hot Ghetto Mess

I admit it, I was wrong... there are funny ha-ha black people, not just funny-strange black people.

Of course the humored are slowly changing the world.. as proof, I submit the top Web site in the results list for the Google search "black people" (sans quotes):

Black People Love Us

Animatronic Bush

"Laura Bush" can obviously turn this facial expression resembling a smile on and off at will. We wonder, does she still drive?

Third-World Crackerjack

In Florida, some sort of bodega candy included plastic toys that appear to depict a plane flying into the World Trade Center. Another toy seems to depict a plastic Osama bin Laden.

The Lisy Corporation has agreed to recall the bags of candy, as they have cheerfully in the past over choking hazards and sulfite-laden shrimp. No strangers to the FDA, they!

Cialisblog

I'm confused.. is this a joke?

Kinte Korner

Are you bored with the same old weblogs, sputtering on about Linux, or Scientology?

You won't be bored by African blogs!


Sample topics include:

What do you think About Ngugi Wa Thiongo's Attack?

Bill, Melinda and Zambia

Sea-Going Hippos in Gabon

Olympic Medals Per Capita

Turns out that Australians are into math! The Australian Bureau of Statistics is compiling a running tally of the Olympic medal count based on population.

Not that we're rah-rah, but we wonder if this "alternative view" has anything to do with the fact that it puts Australia in second place as of day 12:

ABS medal tally:

1. Bahamas
2. Australia
3. Greece
4. New Zealand
5. Norway

Victory over Verizon

We normally refrain from indulging in personal victory, but we just succeeded in getting Verizon to repair our telephone for free.

How, you ask? By simply threatening to cancel our account. We weren't exactly bluffing, but we were admittedly loath to rely on the cell phone, which of course barely works.

Dutch Courage

Some idiot athlete left his Olympic silver medal in the back of an Athens taxi.

We have always wondered just how drunk and/or high you have to be to leave something that valuable in a taxi?

2001 - Lynn Harrell, presumably following a three-day cocaine binge, leaves $4-million Stradivarius cello in Mohamed Ibrahim's taxi. Ibrahim later complains about $75 "thank-you" check and lack of "thank-you" note.

1999 - Yo-Yo Ma "forgets" $2.5-million, 266-year-old cello in taxi trunk, presumably during the 12th hour of an acid trip.

1997 - A 12-year-old musician "accidentally" leaves her prosthetic arm in a taxi, can't play the cello without it. Yet another crystal meth tragedy among our nation's youth.

Pacman Panderers

We haven't played a "video game" since the early '80's (and even then, not to completion), so we are no doubt the last to hear that the mediaconglom has managed to corrupt games with advertising and product placement on a grand scale.

This is more evil than banner ads, though perhaps somewhat less evil than movie-theatre ads.

Baney

"My name's Baney and I made this site so that I can tell you all about me."


[via Attu sees all]

Kunta Lives

Some good people over at the Associated Press think Kunta Kinte actually existed:

"A 'slavery reconciliation walk' on Sept. 29 is to start at City Dock, where slave Kunta Kinte was brought into the United States and where a memorial stands in honor of him."

Umm... I seem to remember living through this; wasn't Alex Haley's Roots almost completely discredited and adjudged to be at best historical fiction, and largely plagiarized?

Greener Grass

According to Sperling's Best Places, if we moved back to our hometown of Providence, Rhode Island, we would only need to make $27,084 to maintain the standard of living we currently "enjoy" in Brooklyn.

New York is bad, but to put things into perspective, they also say we would only need to earn $26,905 in our birthplace of Detroit, which proves that these people have no idea what a "standard of living" is.

[sort of via Gothamist]

Rapist Lottery Winner Update!

Recently we posted about an imprisoned rapist who won seven million pounds in a UK lottery.

NEWSFLASH:

He is an unrepentant braggart, and he can't wait to get out and spend his money!

The "Roby" Comes to Harlem

We have just been informed (we don't pay much attention to these things, being consistently non-award-winning) that there is such a thing as a "National Black Sports & Entertainment Hall of Fame."

Its most prestigious award (named after Paul Robeson) is the "Roby", or "will be," according to their press. How dig-ni-fied!

We applaud this effort. For too long, black people have been forced to admire other black people in historically unglamorous, undercompensated fields including medicine, engineering, politics, business, manufacturing, law enforcement, and theology.

So we say, stop the ignorance and let's give Ossie Davis yet another award for directing five movies in the 1970's! Let's honor Dorothy Dandridge for being a basket case!

Coal Miner's Sucker

Jack White, not content with thrusting his meager musical talents and general phoniness upon us as half of The White Stripes, has now set his sights on "helping" Loretta Lynn reach a "younger" audience. Who talked her into that one?

Olympic Jailbait

While everyone blathers on about scoring mistakes and tsks-tsks doping, no one seems to care that Communist Chinese are obviously using underage gymnasts!

This is Li Ya, whom the Chinese claim is 18 years old:



The minimum age requirement is 16. We know what you're about to say.. "they're tiny," "they don't have periods," and so on. We don't care; we know a ten year-old when we see one!

Lindbergh Baby Update

A man has stepped forward to identify himself as the long-lost Lindbergh baby. He must be telling the truth - how else did he get the domain name?

[via Presurfer]

Here Come Da Louisiana Judge

Judge Timothy Ellender faces a one-year suspension for wearing a combination slave-clown costume at a Halloween party. Doesn't he know that slaves didn't have 'fros? Not exactly the ideal cotton-picking hairstyle, you know!

Last month, Judge Monty Doggett was kicked off the bench for being in a near-constant state of drunkenness.

"Doggett [said] that, since he was re-elected after his alcoholism was made public, his constituents knew about his problem and didn't care."

Ah! The Marion Barry defense!

Drink-o-meter

"Have you ever wondered how much you've managed to drink in your lifetime?"

Georgi No More

"The Gray Kangaroo is the world's first and only personal liquor filter. With the Gray Kangaroo you can drink cheap liquor with out enduring bad taste, nausea or hangover."

Now all we need is the same thing for cheap Bed-Stuy coke, and we'll be all set!

Just Go to DeVry -- You Don't Have the Connections

On hiatus from the lucrative business of helping sub-intellectual rich kids get into college, The Princeton Review has published its 2005 Best 357 Colleges Rankings, and here's the (excerpted) skinny on our alma mater, Sarah Lawrence College:

Rank
#2 Town-Gown Relations Are Strained
#3 Dodge Ball Targets
#4 Nobody Plays Intramural Sports
#8 Students Ignore God on a Regular Basis
#9 Best Overall Academic Experience For Undergraduates
#10 Intercollegiate Sports Unpopular Or Nonexistent

According to our research (and our five long years there), SLC also ties with Brown for the #2 spot in the "Connected Parents" category. Here's a sampling of our fellow alumni:

Jeffrey "J.J." Abrams, "creator" of Alias (son of producer Gerald Abrams)

Yancy Butler, actor/public drunk (daughter of Lovin' Spoonful member Joe Butler)

Ivy Meeropol, "filmmaker" (granddaughter of guilty spies Ethel and Julius Rosenberg)

Joju Cleaver, fake African (daughter of Eldridge Cleaver and Kathleen Cleaver)

Crack Sense

"I's a-goin' to jail anyway, I mights as well smoke the rest of my crack!"

Alcohol-Related Bullshit

It's happening at universities all over the country....

Who agrees that the booze is evil?

Luck is Blind, Too

In Britain, a convicted rapist has won seven million pounds in a lottery. Naturally, the moral tried to take his winnings away, but thankfully the British have sense.

While we do not condone the criminal act of rape, this story is a welcome diversion from the usual goody two-shoe lottery winners in the news, who anonymously give their tickets away to help strangers, or who have cancer.

Although an on-going source of relief from all the divine intervention regarding lottery tickets might be the nigerian-check-scam-esque Lotto short con.

Tear the Roof Off the Sucka

BBC News asked readers to send in pictures of buildings they'd like to see demolished.

May we humbly suggest the the buildings pictured below as a future target for the wrecking ball? Or perhaps Al Qaeda? They look a pair of beard trimmers standing on end, for fuck's sake.

Judge for yourself:

Untying the Knot

A judge in New York State has denied a woman a divorce from her husband, who has admitted to cheating on her. Damn - if only he had lied, or simply failed to tell her the truth, or at the very least he might have just told her a little white lie!

This is why marriage should be abolished. We feel most strongly about this: we even oppose gay marriage on the grounds that one should not have to be married in order to enjoy the civil rights that married couples do, regardless of the sexes of the people concerned.

Moralists and the state would like us all to be married, and society punishes those who are "single", both economically and socially - right now, that includes gay people, but once gays can marry, everyone who thinks marriage is a sham will be left out in the cold, without health insurance.

Goodbye, Anonymous, Instantly-Occurring, and Instantly-Gratifying Sex

It was only a matter of time, but eBay now owns a 25% stake in craigslist.

Does this mean that we will be able to auction off sex, and not just buy it, sell it, or give it away for free?

Obvious jokes aside, this could seriously jeopardize our ability to get drugs.

Foxhole Prayers

Naturally, Michael Jackson made a photo-op appearance in a black church yesterday -- coincidentally one day before a scheduled yet unnecessary court appearance today.

I wish he would decide whether he's pretending to be a Christian or pretending to be a Jehovah's Witness. Probably the former... they have more money, no?

McGreevey Acquires An Alternative Lifestyle

Governor Jim McGreevey just resigned because he is gay!!!!!

Well, not exactly, he resigned because he was about to be blackmailed.

You seem, apparently, he's always been gay, which would explain his seeming pre-occupation with DMV reform, over more traditional New Jersey initiatives, like demeaning/disempowering/imprisoning women, blacks, and immigrants.

McGreevey proclaimed himself a "gay American." Today he's gay. Yesterday, he just fucked dudes.

The Truth About Mike Wallace

Mike Wallace, spent most of yesterday gabbing to the media about his arrest yesterday for "DWW" (double-parking while white).

Naive youngsters may buy his "journalist" pose, but we know that he's really just a game-show host. And an ornery, mentally ill game show host, at that!

Insiders will also tell you that he's hard-of hearing, which is undoubtedly why the cops had to tell him to shut up and sit down three times.

Hot Ghetto Mess

I admit it, I was wrong... there are funny ha-ha black people, not just funny-strange black people.

Of course the humored are slowly changing the world.. as proof, I submit the top Web site in the results list for the Google search "black people" (sans quotes):

Black People Love Us