Dodgers' Stadium

The city of Nelson, British Columbia is considering a memorial to Vietnam-era draft dodgers from the U.S. Obviously, there are those who would deny this podunk town a few tourist dollars on the principle that lawbreakers should not be celebrated.

Yet how is this situation much different from the celebration of the "Underground Railroad?" After all, at the time slavery was legal and escape was punishable by law, no?

Journey To The End Of Detroit

Continuing Detroit's grand tradition of utter hopelessness, Frito-Lay employees arrived at work this morning only to find that their plant had been closed.

But hey, they should have seen it coming: the Web link to Frito-Lay's program for minority business development is dead.

Whiskey Into Water

Jack Daniel's has quietly lowered the alcohol content of its flagship Old No. 7 whiskey, and a few people are appalled, Modern Drunkard editor Frank Kelly Rich among them.

There's an illiterate on-line petition you can sign, if you're that bored.

Funny Girl Off Deep End

Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart.

Professional fake agoraphobe Barbra Streisand has an archive of political "statements and speeches" on her official Web site, including this version of "People" she sang at a Kerry fundraiser:


People...
I mean G-O-P people...
Who'd believe there's such people in this world?
Bush seeza
Lotta Condoleeza,
They're dividing the planet's oil
According to Richard "Poil"
And they're all just trainees
of Cheney's!

God help us all.

[sort of via Drudge]

Molestation on the Bounty

Wearied by salacious media obsessed with Kobe Bryant and child pornography?

Well, have pity on Pitcairn Island, population 50(!), where half of the adult male population will soon be on trial for a total of 60 sex offenses, many against children.

Pitcairn was, of course, originally settled by Fletcher Christian, the "mutineer" of HMS Bounty, and his followers, along with a handful of Tahitians.

It is now a British colony, and there seems to be a bit of a culture clash when it comes to sex with teenagers.

Pitcairners have only 10 hours of electricity a day, so they're probably a tad bored.

Tasteless Tidbits

carefreemistrust has been a little moody lately, but it'll take a few more months of self-imposed isolation before we:

1. Commission a Hostess snack wedding cake.

2. Buy John Ritter's old suit.

3. Hope my cell phone makes my breasts larger.



[via NewYorkish]

Gonzales No So Speedy

Local "Latino" politicos have forced Oakland, California police to stop setting up DUI roadblocks because they're catching too many illegal immigrants who don't have driver's licenses. It only stands to reason that non-licensed, non-English-speaking drivers pose no threat on the road.

We're afraid that we have to agree with Schwarzenazi on this one, and we don't even drive!

UPDATE: Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown has ordered the checkpoints resumed! And you thought we were reactionaries, didn't you?

RIP One Ton O' Fun

We don't normally exhibit emotion here, but Izora Rhodes Armstead (right), one half of the singing duo the Weather Girls, has died.

Her partner, Martha Wash, is somewhat more famous, having successfully sued C&C Music Factory for having her vocals lip-synched by a thinner, more attractive woman in its videos, including Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's raining men, yeah!

Born Yesterday

"I realized we had been scammed at about 2am after we sent the Western Union $6700.00...."

Dateline NBC ran a story last night on the so-called "International Lottery Scam" that is, naturally, "targeting the elderly."

Since when are the adjectives "old" and "stupid" mutually exclusive? Newsflash, Grampa: people do not call you on the telephone and ask you to buy $10,000 worth of lottery tickets.

If you can't get enough of the galling self-pity of the idiotic, we recommend the message boards over at Scam Victims United; they actually advocate that the FDIC reimburse them for those bounced Nigerian checks.

Securing A Beachhead On The Shores Of The Uterine Sea

There's one way for some reservists to avoid active duty in Iraq: get suddenly pregnant!

Well, it's more immediate tha enrolling in graduate school and easier than running for office.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Monaco

Monaco, unfortunately, just won't do for us, since the government seems to have something against convicted criminals.

But you, dear reader, certainly have no such stigma, so we will provide a brief summary nonetheless:

Pros:

1. It's pretty.

Cons:

1. Monaco has one policeman for every 100 residents; in New York City, the ratio is 1:200.

2. Monaco has a system of 24-hour video surveillance spanning the entire surface area of the Principality.

3. You must deposit 400,000 Euros in a Monaco bank while they consider your application for residency.

Preliminary Assessment: Let's move on, shall we?


Next week: Saint Kitts & Nevis

Herro! Geisha No Horny

The BBC has a lovely photo essay on a Kyoto geisha, and once again it is asserted that geishas do not provide sexual favors.

We don't read over-hyped commercial fiction, but we still don't buy it.

In other prostitution-related news, a Guatemalan all-prostitute soccer team was ejected from a tournament after rowdy fans started chanting "One, two, three, whore!"

Can A Nigga Get A Laugh?

Several major newspapers refused to run this week's series of "The Boondocks" comic strips, which features a fictional reality show called "Can a Nigga Get a Job?"

We don't normally read this painfully unfunny strip, but we feel it our duty to support every black person who exhibits a sense of humor. All three of them.

Rather Under Fire - The Geek Science

Obsessed about CBS and the forged memos? Need more ammunition for your lengthy rants?

A self-described "pioneer of electronic typesetting" examines the documents more closely than -- as Dan might say -- "a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."

Or something like that.

Mohammed Offers Free Checking; Can Your Jesus Do That?

The first Islamic bank has opened in Britain, offering no-interest loans and pornography-free investing.

Headline notwithstanding, Islamic banks can charge fees, but we'll be happy to wear a burqa, which is all we can afford to wear, thanks in large part to those Christian carpetbaggers over at Chase.

Herro! I Love you!

Aspiring interracial daters, take heart -- the self-help genre has embraced you!

The Interracial Dating Book for Black Women Who Want to Date White Men promises to make you more "interracially approachable."

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men will help you "pursue and succeed with that white woman you are after."

We can't help but imagine the Cliff's Notes:

TIDBBWWWDWM:

1. Real hair helps.
2. Lose weight
3. Stop yelling.

HTDTWWAPGAM:

1. Make money.
2. Be tall.
3. Leave China/Korea/Hmongtown once in a while.

Cybillgate

We know you've seen it, but we want to be able to look at it whenever we want to -- her face, shining with the dead-pan defiance of the corny prop comic.

As an aside, we hope you realize that this could only be front-page news in this humorless, phony country of ours.

October Surprise Party

octobersurprise.net asks, "What tricks will BushCo pull to attempt to win the election in November?" If you have any predictions, you're invited to share them.

Our prediction: the FBI discovers more mock documents in Dan Rather's desk drawer, including Bush's college transcript, Halliburton's no-bid contract,
and Bruno Hauptmann's written confession.

Rather Under Fire - The Store

As the Dan Rather pseudo-scandal continues to grab headlines, someone at least is patriotically focused on the profit motive with a whimsically misspelled line of t-shirts.

comedian.blogspot.com has a more extensive "Rathergate" line of clothing.

Schwarzenazi's Clubhouse

Foreign-born state official Arnold Schwarzenegger has erected a "smoking tent" in the courtyard of California's Capitol office building.

Schwarzenegghead conducts official business in the "cabana-style" tent, but sadly, the inclusion of windows precludes the usual transsexual hooker hijinks.

The good news? There are rumors that Schwarzenasshole hates being governor.

Insert Russian Drunk Joke Here

Mikhail Kalashnikov, 84 year-old inventor of the eponymous assault rifle, now has his own eponymous brand of vodka.

At $24 a bottle, we'll stick to Georgi, thank you!

Kill Me Now Movie Previews

A cursory glance at Done Deal reminds us why we don't go to the movies anymore and spend our money on drugs instead.


Remakes/Rehashings in store:

Isis
(Starring whom? Brittany Murphy? It didn't even work on TV, really. We know -- we're old)

Alvin and the Chipmunks
(Who the fuck under the age of 40 will find them the least bit entertaining? The gag is based on revolutions per minute, for christ's sake)

Revenge of the Nerds
(Whaaa???????????????????)

Torch
(A remake of the Ruth Etting biopic Love Me or Leave Me, starring Doris Day and James Cagney. The remake stars Pacino. Watch out!)

Hawaii Five-O
(There's already a TV remake that blows)

I won't even mention the "original" scripts, like the next Halle Berry mess, because after finding out about it, I need a drink. And a bath.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Luxembourg

Ah, Luxembourg! In our ongoing quest to expatriate ourselves, we turn our eyes to this Rhode Island-sized country squeezed in by Germany, Belgium, and a little bit of France.

Frankly, Luxembourg seems to be a tad provincial -- apparently, the only famous person born there was Edward Steichen, the American photographer -- but hey, we're from Detroit so we shouldn't throw stones.

Pros:

1. Citizens of Luxembourg are Luxembourgeois, which is pret-ty cool.

2. Royals aplenty. Luxembourg is the world's only Grand Duchy, they're not bad-looking, and the Grand-Duchess is Cuban.

3. The average July temperature is 63.5 degrees Fahrenheit!

Cons:

1. Luxembourg could be humorless, sort of the worst of France and the worst of Germany combined. The official tourism Web site states: "In Luxembourg, toys were not widespread until the 1920s."

2. The food could be a problem. Staples include Hausmacher Jelli (Pork in Aspic) and Rieslingspaschtéit (Meat pie with Riesling).

3. 3.6% unemployment, and apparently they're not averse to foreigners working there!

Preliminary Assessment:

I love the climate, and although I get this weird feeling that it's kind of boring, it's still number one on our list until we can find somewhere better.


Next week: Monaco

Crime Pays

Sincee Callahan, a black woman, managed to bilk some well-off white citizens in Alpharetta, Georgia for more than $30,000.

How? By promising to publish a magazine, The Alpharetta Social Registrar, and then skipping town.

Kill Dana Rohrabacher

Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is now the most dangerous man alive and must be stopped.

He has just introduced a bill to allow the foreign-born to become President of the United States.

What kind of hideous ass-fucker is named Dana, anyway?

I know, it's ugly talk - but these are ugly times.

Reading Speedy

Book-A-Minute Classics presents ultra-condensed literature for your time-efficient enjoyment. Here's an example,The Collected Work of Jane Austen, By Jane Austen:

Female Lead
I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.

Male Lead
I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.

(They find out.)

THE END

[via Attu sees all]

Rosh Hashanah Roundup

Buchenwald is opening a gift shop. Finally!

There are now 13 million Jews worldwide. Way to go!

Israeli refuseniks released, after two years in military prison.

Cult descends on Israel, pop star in tow.

L'Shana tova!

CHiPs Saves Arnold

The California Highway Patrol today intercepted a rigged letter intended for "Governor" Schwarzenegger.

In other news, the Mod Squad set out to help an ex-football player find out who really killed his wife.

Sphincterine is Here

Feeling unfresh... back there?

Try Sphincterine Ass-tringent!

And never say that we're too intellectual for ass humor!

Brother, Can You Spare a Job?

According to a British anti-virus firm Sophos, some computer virus writers are looking for work -- through the code of their viruses.

On a personal note, please find the plea for some Quaaludes embedded in my source code.

Hitler Entertainment News

The Downfall: Hitler and the End of the Third Reich, a new German film, supposedly shows Hitler's "human" side.

In this "controversial" dramatization, Hitler apparently pets a dog and fails to shoot his secretary when she makes a mistake. What's next? Manson enjoying a meal and complimenting the chef??

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Liechtenstein

Continuing our series exploring our emigration options, we turn our eye to Liechtenstein, the oft-mocked tiny principality next to Austria.




Pros:

1. According to the CIA, Liechtenstein has a history of "shortcomings in banking regulatory oversight." We sure wish Chase had more "shortcomings."

2. Our birthday (August 15) is a national holiday there. Could be a "con," though, if everything's closed.

3. We're a sucker for constitutional monarchies, we must admit, and the Liechtensteins are very attractive.

Cons:

1. Liechtenstein is doubly landlocked, like Uzbekistan! We could be in trouble if there's another anschluss, or something.

2. There are only 29,000 jobs, 12,000 of which are taken by Swiss or Austrian commuters.

3. After joining the EU, Liechtenstein won a special concession limiting immigration into their precious fucking little country.

Preliminary Assessment:

Once again, with only 17,000 jobs to choose from, we may be looking at more dish-washing. But once again, we won't have to listen to Oprah or J-Lo anymore.


Next week: Luxembourg

Rather Under Fire

Though of course the 60 Minutes/Dan Rather brouhaha continues unabated, one Web site has been devoted to debunking Dan for more than four years now: RatherBiased.com

Even though we're sure the documents are fake (hey - we were born in 1968 - we remember what typewriting looks like!), we don't blame Rather. I mean, does the viewin audience really think he actually does any of the work on these pieces?

Yes, Virginia, there are these people called p-r-o-d-u-c-e-r-s who get gold stars for coming up with "blockbuster" s-t-o-r-i-e-s....

Crackers in Bed

Here's more evidence that we New Yorkers are more to be pitied than envied: two new restaurants here plan to serve food to you in bed.

This, in a city with 300,000 Mexicans but without one single fucking decent Mexican restaurant.

Vanity Vatos

According to The Smoking Gun, certain vulgar Spanish-speaking people are now ordering obscene vanity plates in their native tongue.

We don't really care, but we do wonder how these get past the Spanish-speaking people that presumably work at the DMV, who force us to listen to "press 1 for Spanish" and "hold the line for English" whenever we call them.

The Lost Cinema of George Segal

We here at carefreemistrust don't have a lot of friends, having dodged motherhood, AA, and most other social-networking lifestyles, so we watch a lot of movies. At home. A lot.

In an effort to organize our time-killing, we have been renting DVD's featuring an actor whom we now would mention in the same breath as Alan Arkin.

In short, we have been exploring the lost cinema of George Segal.

Since you're on the Internet way too much if you've found this blog, you probably only know Segal as the lovable father-boss Jack Gallo on the much-mocked Just Shoot Me.

Run right out to the hipster video store in your town and ask for:

King Rat (1965)
Stalag 17 set in a Japanese POW camp. Segal plays eponymous rat.

No Way to Treat a Lady (1968)
Jewish detective chases Irish-Catholic serial killer and WASP-y Lee Remick. Ethnic stereotypes only enhance the magic.

Where's Poppa? (1970)
Beyond disturbing. Looks like a dumb Jewish comedy, but our mouths were hanging open at the end.

California Split (1974)
Altman film, finally to be released on DVD in November, 2004.

They won't have any of these movies, of course, having opted instead to stock five copies of Reefer Madness.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Andorra

It's a cliche, but here at carefree mistrust we are seriously considering leaving the U.S. of A. for good now that the end of days is upon us. Bush is a factor, but, frankly, he is the least of our worries.

Why shouldn't we be able to spend a large part of the day sitting in an outdoor cafe, eating pate? Why should we struggle to survive only to live in a world where the quality of life is marred by Outback Steakhouses, Dave Chappelle, and the Atkins Diet?

In the first posting of an on-going series, we examine our options. First up: Andorra

Pros:

1. Andorra was a feudal state (cool!) until 1993.
2. It is now a parliamentary democracy with "co-princes" (even cooler!)
3. There is no income tax.
4. Goodbye, Paris Hilton media saturation - the median age is 40.

Cons:

1. The only industry is tourism.
2. Predominantly Roman Catholic.
3. Business ownership contingent upon 20 years of continuous residence.

Preliminary Assessment:

We will probably have to wash dishes in a restaurant to get by at first, but we were never going to be anyone's boss here, either.


Next week: The Principality of Liechtenstein

OhDeLay

Ruthless Reviews puts Tom DeLay at number two on its list of the 10 Biggest Pricks in American Political History.

The unbalanced former exterminator and current House Majority Leader once stated:

"So many minority youths had volunteered for the well-paying military positions to escape poverty and the ghetto, that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself. Literally."


That might explain DeLay's complete absence from the recent Republican circle jerk. So they are capable of blushing!

Not True. Lies.

Nazi spawn and former bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger has the Ronald Reagan gift for making up his own version of historical events.

To quote [emphasis ours]:

When I was a boy, the Soviets occupied part of Austria.

I saw their tanks in the streets. I saw Communism with my own eyes. I remember the fear we had when we had to cross into the Soviet sector.

Growing up, we were told, "Don't look the soldiers in the eye. Just look straight ahead." It was a common belief that Soviet soldiers could take a man out of his own car and ship him back to the Soviet Union as slave labor....

....I remember how scared I was that the soldiers would pull my father or my uncle out of the car and I would never see them again. My family and so many others lived in fear of the Soviet boot. Today, the world no longer fears the Soviet Union, and it is because of the United States of America.

As a kid I saw the socialist country that Austria became after the Soviets left. Now, don't misunderstand me, I love Austria, and I love the Austrian people.

Nice try, but Schwarzenasshole was born three years after the Soviets left his part of Austria - his hometown was in the British zone. Not only that, but between 1945 and 1970, all the nation's chancellors were conservatives -- not Socialists.

Your Ad Here, On My Pizza

A company called Gourmet Impression claims to have a unique, innovative way to emboss advertising directly onto our food.

Haven't they ever seen a Hershey's bar?


[via Adrants]

No Tariq For You

The boys at the Department of Homeland Security revoked the work visa of Tariq Ramadan, an internationally-respected professor hired by the University of Notre Dame.

Why would the DHS deny a work visa for this Swiss citizen? Blame the Patriot Act, blame crazy Jew Daniel Pipes, but most of all, blame yourself.

God forbid we have an expert on Islam teaching at a traditionally Catholic school known for theological study. I give up.

9/11 Mistrust

According to a recent poll, 49.3% of New York City residents and 41% of New York state citizens agree with the statement that some of our leaders "knew in advance that attacks were planned on or around September 11, 2001, and that they consciously failed to act."

The poll was conducted just before the Republican National Convention began, yet I don't remember hearing about it.

The good news is that Al-Jazeera is hiring.

The Next O.J.? Not Kobe!

As of this writing, sports enthusiast and man-about-town Kobe Bryant is about to get off the hook.

We take the controversial view that, while it is awkward to refuse anal entry during a sexual encounter, it does not legally constitute rape if said refusal is ignored.

On the other hand, while it is awkward to try to dissuade your coked-up psychotic husband from stabbing you to death, it does constitute murder if that request is ignored.

Burt Reynolds Wins

The National Enquirer is reporting that Gator director Burt Reynolds is now a "kept man".

We find the Enquirer story hyperbolic. Not only does Burt have five movies in pre- or post-production, but surely, the man behind the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum has no need to peddle his own flesh.

Unfriendly Friendster

Useless social networking Web site Friendster has fired one of its employees for publishing a blog.

We (for obvious reasons) are naturally concerned; having read the blog, however, Friendster might have done the perp a favor - she obviously needs to get a life.

Bosnians for Bruce

Question: Why is the war-ravaged Bosnian city of Mostar planning to erect a statue honoring dead Chinese semi-Chinese actor Bruce Lee?

Answer: When Tito died, he took the 20th Century with him.

Dodgers' Stadium

The city of Nelson, British Columbia is considering a memorial to Vietnam-era draft dodgers from the U.S. Obviously, there are those who would deny this podunk town a few tourist dollars on the principle that lawbreakers should not be celebrated.

Yet how is this situation much different from the celebration of the "Underground Railroad?" After all, at the time slavery was legal and escape was punishable by law, no?

Journey To The End Of Detroit

Continuing Detroit's grand tradition of utter hopelessness, Frito-Lay employees arrived at work this morning only to find that their plant had been closed.

But hey, they should have seen it coming: the Web link to Frito-Lay's program for minority business development is dead.

Whiskey Into Water

Jack Daniel's has quietly lowered the alcohol content of its flagship Old No. 7 whiskey, and a few people are appalled, Modern Drunkard editor Frank Kelly Rich among them.

There's an illiterate on-line petition you can sign, if you're that bored.

Funny Girl Off Deep End

Warning: This post is not for the faint of heart.

Professional fake agoraphobe Barbra Streisand has an archive of political "statements and speeches" on her official Web site, including this version of "People" she sang at a Kerry fundraiser:


People...
I mean G-O-P people...
Who'd believe there's such people in this world?
Bush seeza
Lotta Condoleeza,
They're dividing the planet's oil
According to Richard "Poil"
And they're all just trainees
of Cheney's!

God help us all.

[sort of via Drudge]

Molestation on the Bounty

Wearied by salacious media obsessed with Kobe Bryant and child pornography?

Well, have pity on Pitcairn Island, population 50(!), where half of the adult male population will soon be on trial for a total of 60 sex offenses, many against children.

Pitcairn was, of course, originally settled by Fletcher Christian, the "mutineer" of HMS Bounty, and his followers, along with a handful of Tahitians.

It is now a British colony, and there seems to be a bit of a culture clash when it comes to sex with teenagers.

Pitcairners have only 10 hours of electricity a day, so they're probably a tad bored.

Tasteless Tidbits

carefreemistrust has been a little moody lately, but it'll take a few more months of self-imposed isolation before we:

1. Commission a Hostess snack wedding cake.

2. Buy John Ritter's old suit.

3. Hope my cell phone makes my breasts larger.



[via NewYorkish]

Gonzales No So Speedy

Local "Latino" politicos have forced Oakland, California police to stop setting up DUI roadblocks because they're catching too many illegal immigrants who don't have driver's licenses. It only stands to reason that non-licensed, non-English-speaking drivers pose no threat on the road.

We're afraid that we have to agree with Schwarzenazi on this one, and we don't even drive!

UPDATE: Oakland Mayor Jerry Brown has ordered the checkpoints resumed! And you thought we were reactionaries, didn't you?

RIP One Ton O' Fun

We don't normally exhibit emotion here, but Izora Rhodes Armstead (right), one half of the singing duo the Weather Girls, has died.

Her partner, Martha Wash, is somewhat more famous, having successfully sued C&C Music Factory for having her vocals lip-synched by a thinner, more attractive woman in its videos, including Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now).

God bless Mother Nature, she's a single woman too
She took off to heaven and she did what she had to do
She taught every angel to rearrange the sky
So that each and every woman could find her perfect guy
It's raining men, yeah!

Born Yesterday

"I realized we had been scammed at about 2am after we sent the Western Union $6700.00...."

Dateline NBC ran a story last night on the so-called "International Lottery Scam" that is, naturally, "targeting the elderly."

Since when are the adjectives "old" and "stupid" mutually exclusive? Newsflash, Grampa: people do not call you on the telephone and ask you to buy $10,000 worth of lottery tickets.

If you can't get enough of the galling self-pity of the idiotic, we recommend the message boards over at Scam Victims United; they actually advocate that the FDIC reimburse them for those bounced Nigerian checks.

Securing A Beachhead On The Shores Of The Uterine Sea

There's one way for some reservists to avoid active duty in Iraq: get suddenly pregnant!

Well, it's more immediate tha enrolling in graduate school and easier than running for office.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Monaco

Monaco, unfortunately, just won't do for us, since the government seems to have something against convicted criminals.

But you, dear reader, certainly have no such stigma, so we will provide a brief summary nonetheless:

Pros:

1. It's pretty.

Cons:

1. Monaco has one policeman for every 100 residents; in New York City, the ratio is 1:200.

2. Monaco has a system of 24-hour video surveillance spanning the entire surface area of the Principality.

3. You must deposit 400,000 Euros in a Monaco bank while they consider your application for residency.

Preliminary Assessment: Let's move on, shall we?


Next week: Saint Kitts & Nevis

Herro! Geisha No Horny

The BBC has a lovely photo essay on a Kyoto geisha, and once again it is asserted that geishas do not provide sexual favors.

We don't read over-hyped commercial fiction, but we still don't buy it.

In other prostitution-related news, a Guatemalan all-prostitute soccer team was ejected from a tournament after rowdy fans started chanting "One, two, three, whore!"

Can A Nigga Get A Laugh?

Several major newspapers refused to run this week's series of "The Boondocks" comic strips, which features a fictional reality show called "Can a Nigga Get a Job?"

We don't normally read this painfully unfunny strip, but we feel it our duty to support every black person who exhibits a sense of humor. All three of them.

Rather Under Fire - The Geek Science

Obsessed about CBS and the forged memos? Need more ammunition for your lengthy rants?

A self-described "pioneer of electronic typesetting" examines the documents more closely than -- as Dan might say -- "a too-small bathing suit on a too-long car ride back from the beach."

Or something like that.

Mohammed Offers Free Checking; Can Your Jesus Do That?

The first Islamic bank has opened in Britain, offering no-interest loans and pornography-free investing.

Headline notwithstanding, Islamic banks can charge fees, but we'll be happy to wear a burqa, which is all we can afford to wear, thanks in large part to those Christian carpetbaggers over at Chase.

Herro! I Love you!

Aspiring interracial daters, take heart -- the self-help genre has embraced you!

The Interracial Dating Book for Black Women Who Want to Date White Men promises to make you more "interracially approachable."

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men will help you "pursue and succeed with that white woman you are after."

We can't help but imagine the Cliff's Notes:

TIDBBWWWDWM:

1. Real hair helps.
2. Lose weight
3. Stop yelling.

HTDTWWAPGAM:

1. Make money.
2. Be tall.
3. Leave China/Korea/Hmongtown once in a while.

Cybillgate

We know you've seen it, but we want to be able to look at it whenever we want to -- her face, shining with the dead-pan defiance of the corny prop comic.

As an aside, we hope you realize that this could only be front-page news in this humorless, phony country of ours.

October Surprise Party

octobersurprise.net asks, "What tricks will BushCo pull to attempt to win the election in November?" If you have any predictions, you're invited to share them.

Our prediction: the FBI discovers more mock documents in Dan Rather's desk drawer, including Bush's college transcript, Halliburton's no-bid contract,
and Bruno Hauptmann's written confession.

Rather Under Fire - The Store

As the Dan Rather pseudo-scandal continues to grab headlines, someone at least is patriotically focused on the profit motive with a whimsically misspelled line of t-shirts.

comedian.blogspot.com has a more extensive "Rathergate" line of clothing.

Schwarzenazi's Clubhouse

Foreign-born state official Arnold Schwarzenegger has erected a "smoking tent" in the courtyard of California's Capitol office building.

Schwarzenegghead conducts official business in the "cabana-style" tent, but sadly, the inclusion of windows precludes the usual transsexual hooker hijinks.

The good news? There are rumors that Schwarzenasshole hates being governor.

Insert Russian Drunk Joke Here

Mikhail Kalashnikov, 84 year-old inventor of the eponymous assault rifle, now has his own eponymous brand of vodka.

At $24 a bottle, we'll stick to Georgi, thank you!

Kill Me Now Movie Previews

A cursory glance at Done Deal reminds us why we don't go to the movies anymore and spend our money on drugs instead.


Remakes/Rehashings in store:

Isis
(Starring whom? Brittany Murphy? It didn't even work on TV, really. We know -- we're old)

Alvin and the Chipmunks
(Who the fuck under the age of 40 will find them the least bit entertaining? The gag is based on revolutions per minute, for christ's sake)

Revenge of the Nerds
(Whaaa???????????????????)

Torch
(A remake of the Ruth Etting biopic Love Me or Leave Me, starring Doris Day and James Cagney. The remake stars Pacino. Watch out!)

Hawaii Five-O
(There's already a TV remake that blows)

I won't even mention the "original" scripts, like the next Halle Berry mess, because after finding out about it, I need a drink. And a bath.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Luxembourg

Ah, Luxembourg! In our ongoing quest to expatriate ourselves, we turn our eyes to this Rhode Island-sized country squeezed in by Germany, Belgium, and a little bit of France.

Frankly, Luxembourg seems to be a tad provincial -- apparently, the only famous person born there was Edward Steichen, the American photographer -- but hey, we're from Detroit so we shouldn't throw stones.

Pros:

1. Citizens of Luxembourg are Luxembourgeois, which is pret-ty cool.

2. Royals aplenty. Luxembourg is the world's only Grand Duchy, they're not bad-looking, and the Grand-Duchess is Cuban.

3. The average July temperature is 63.5 degrees Fahrenheit!

Cons:

1. Luxembourg could be humorless, sort of the worst of France and the worst of Germany combined. The official tourism Web site states: "In Luxembourg, toys were not widespread until the 1920s."

2. The food could be a problem. Staples include Hausmacher Jelli (Pork in Aspic) and Rieslingspaschtéit (Meat pie with Riesling).

3. 3.6% unemployment, and apparently they're not averse to foreigners working there!

Preliminary Assessment:

I love the climate, and although I get this weird feeling that it's kind of boring, it's still number one on our list until we can find somewhere better.


Next week: Monaco

Crime Pays

Sincee Callahan, a black woman, managed to bilk some well-off white citizens in Alpharetta, Georgia for more than $30,000.

How? By promising to publish a magazine, The Alpharetta Social Registrar, and then skipping town.

Kill Dana Rohrabacher

Congressman Dana Rohrabacher is now the most dangerous man alive and must be stopped.

He has just introduced a bill to allow the foreign-born to become President of the United States.

What kind of hideous ass-fucker is named Dana, anyway?

I know, it's ugly talk - but these are ugly times.

Reading Speedy

Book-A-Minute Classics presents ultra-condensed literature for your time-efficient enjoyment. Here's an example,The Collected Work of Jane Austen, By Jane Austen:

Female Lead
I secretly love Male Lead. He must never know.

Male Lead
I secretly love Female Lead. She must never know.

(They find out.)

THE END

[via Attu sees all]

Rosh Hashanah Roundup

Buchenwald is opening a gift shop. Finally!

There are now 13 million Jews worldwide. Way to go!

Israeli refuseniks released, after two years in military prison.

Cult descends on Israel, pop star in tow.

L'Shana tova!

CHiPs Saves Arnold

The California Highway Patrol today intercepted a rigged letter intended for "Governor" Schwarzenegger.

In other news, the Mod Squad set out to help an ex-football player find out who really killed his wife.

Sphincterine is Here

Feeling unfresh... back there?

Try Sphincterine Ass-tringent!

And never say that we're too intellectual for ass humor!

Brother, Can You Spare a Job?

According to a British anti-virus firm Sophos, some computer virus writers are looking for work -- through the code of their viruses.

On a personal note, please find the plea for some Quaaludes embedded in my source code.

Hitler Entertainment News

The Downfall: Hitler and the End of the Third Reich, a new German film, supposedly shows Hitler's "human" side.

In this "controversial" dramatization, Hitler apparently pets a dog and fails to shoot his secretary when she makes a mistake. What's next? Manson enjoying a meal and complimenting the chef??

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Liechtenstein

Continuing our series exploring our emigration options, we turn our eye to Liechtenstein, the oft-mocked tiny principality next to Austria.




Pros:

1. According to the CIA, Liechtenstein has a history of "shortcomings in banking regulatory oversight." We sure wish Chase had more "shortcomings."

2. Our birthday (August 15) is a national holiday there. Could be a "con," though, if everything's closed.

3. We're a sucker for constitutional monarchies, we must admit, and the Liechtensteins are very attractive.

Cons:

1. Liechtenstein is doubly landlocked, like Uzbekistan! We could be in trouble if there's another anschluss, or something.

2. There are only 29,000 jobs, 12,000 of which are taken by Swiss or Austrian commuters.

3. After joining the EU, Liechtenstein won a special concession limiting immigration into their precious fucking little country.

Preliminary Assessment:

Once again, with only 17,000 jobs to choose from, we may be looking at more dish-washing. But once again, we won't have to listen to Oprah or J-Lo anymore.


Next week: Luxembourg

Rather Under Fire

Though of course the 60 Minutes/Dan Rather brouhaha continues unabated, one Web site has been devoted to debunking Dan for more than four years now: RatherBiased.com

Even though we're sure the documents are fake (hey - we were born in 1968 - we remember what typewriting looks like!), we don't blame Rather. I mean, does the viewin audience really think he actually does any of the work on these pieces?

Yes, Virginia, there are these people called p-r-o-d-u-c-e-r-s who get gold stars for coming up with "blockbuster" s-t-o-r-i-e-s....

Crackers in Bed

Here's more evidence that we New Yorkers are more to be pitied than envied: two new restaurants here plan to serve food to you in bed.

This, in a city with 300,000 Mexicans but without one single fucking decent Mexican restaurant.

Vanity Vatos

According to The Smoking Gun, certain vulgar Spanish-speaking people are now ordering obscene vanity plates in their native tongue.

We don't really care, but we do wonder how these get past the Spanish-speaking people that presumably work at the DMV, who force us to listen to "press 1 for Spanish" and "hold the line for English" whenever we call them.

The Lost Cinema of George Segal

We here at carefreemistrust don't have a lot of friends, having dodged motherhood, AA, and most other social-networking lifestyles, so we watch a lot of movies. At home. A lot.

In an effort to organize our time-killing, we have been renting DVD's featuring an actor whom we now would mention in the same breath as Alan Arkin.

In short, we have been exploring the lost cinema of George Segal.

Since you're on the Internet way too much if you've found this blog, you probably only know Segal as the lovable father-boss Jack Gallo on the much-mocked Just Shoot Me.

Run right out to the hipster video store in your town and ask for:

King Rat (1965)
Stalag 17 set in a Japanese POW camp. Segal plays eponymous rat.

No Way to Treat a Lady (1968)
Jewish detective chases Irish-Catholic serial killer and WASP-y Lee Remick. Ethnic stereotypes only enhance the magic.

Where's Poppa? (1970)
Beyond disturbing. Looks like a dumb Jewish comedy, but our mouths were hanging open at the end.

California Split (1974)
Altman film, finally to be released on DVD in November, 2004.

They won't have any of these movies, of course, having opted instead to stock five copies of Reefer Madness.

Let's Get the Fuck Out: Andorra

It's a cliche, but here at carefree mistrust we are seriously considering leaving the U.S. of A. for good now that the end of days is upon us. Bush is a factor, but, frankly, he is the least of our worries.

Why shouldn't we be able to spend a large part of the day sitting in an outdoor cafe, eating pate? Why should we struggle to survive only to live in a world where the quality of life is marred by Outback Steakhouses, Dave Chappelle, and the Atkins Diet?

In the first posting of an on-going series, we examine our options. First up: Andorra

Pros:

1. Andorra was a feudal state (cool!) until 1993.
2. It is now a parliamentary democracy with "co-princes" (even cooler!)
3. There is no income tax.
4. Goodbye, Paris Hilton media saturation - the median age is 40.

Cons:

1. The only industry is tourism.
2. Predominantly Roman Catholic.
3. Business ownership contingent upon 20 years of continuous residence.

Preliminary Assessment:

We will probably have to wash dishes in a restaurant to get by at first, but we were never going to be anyone's boss here, either.


Next week: The Principality of Liechtenstein

OhDeLay

Ruthless Reviews puts Tom DeLay at number two on its list of the 10 Biggest Pricks in American Political History.

The unbalanced former exterminator and current House Majority Leader once stated:

"So many minority youths had volunteered for the well-paying military positions to escape poverty and the ghetto, that there was literally no room for patriotic folks like myself. Literally."


That might explain DeLay's complete absence from the recent Republican circle jerk. So they are capable of blushing!

Not True. Lies.

Nazi spawn and former bodybuilder Arnold Schwarzenegger has the Ronald Reagan gift for making up his own version of historical events.

To quote [emphasis ours]:

When I was a boy, the Soviets occupied part of Austria.

I saw their tanks in the streets. I saw Communism with my own eyes. I remember the fear we had when we had to cross into the Soviet sector.

Growing up, we were told, "Don't look the soldiers in the eye. Just look straight ahead." It was a common belief that Soviet soldiers could take a man out of his own car and ship him back to the Soviet Union as slave labor....

....I remember how scared I was that the soldiers would pull my father or my uncle out of the car and I would never see them again. My family and so many others lived in fear of the Soviet boot. Today, the world no longer fears the Soviet Union, and it is because of the United States of America.

As a kid I saw the socialist country that Austria became after the Soviets left. Now, don't misunderstand me, I love Austria, and I love the Austrian people.

Nice try, but Schwarzenasshole was born three years after the Soviets left his part of Austria - his hometown was in the British zone. Not only that, but between 1945 and 1970, all the nation's chancellors were conservatives -- not Socialists.

Your Ad Here, On My Pizza

A company called Gourmet Impression claims to have a unique, innovative way to emboss advertising directly onto our food.

Haven't they ever seen a Hershey's bar?


[via Adrants]

No Tariq For You

The boys at the Department of Homeland Security revoked the work visa of Tariq Ramadan, an internationally-respected professor hired by the University of Notre Dame.

Why would the DHS deny a work visa for this Swiss citizen? Blame the Patriot Act, blame crazy Jew Daniel Pipes, but most of all, blame yourself.

God forbid we have an expert on Islam teaching at a traditionally Catholic school known for theological study. I give up.

9/11 Mistrust

According to a recent poll, 49.3% of New York City residents and 41% of New York state citizens agree with the statement that some of our leaders "knew in advance that attacks were planned on or around September 11, 2001, and that they consciously failed to act."

The poll was conducted just before the Republican National Convention began, yet I don't remember hearing about it.

The good news is that Al-Jazeera is hiring.

The Next O.J.? Not Kobe!

As of this writing, sports enthusiast and man-about-town Kobe Bryant is about to get off the hook.

We take the controversial view that, while it is awkward to refuse anal entry during a sexual encounter, it does not legally constitute rape if said refusal is ignored.

On the other hand, while it is awkward to try to dissuade your coked-up psychotic husband from stabbing you to death, it does constitute murder if that request is ignored.

Burt Reynolds Wins

The National Enquirer is reporting that Gator director Burt Reynolds is now a "kept man".

We find the Enquirer story hyperbolic. Not only does Burt have five movies in pre- or post-production, but surely, the man behind the Burt Reynolds & Friends Museum has no need to peddle his own flesh.

Unfriendly Friendster

Useless social networking Web site Friendster has fired one of its employees for publishing a blog.

We (for obvious reasons) are naturally concerned; having read the blog, however, Friendster might have done the perp a favor - she obviously needs to get a life.

Bosnians for Bruce

Question: Why is the war-ravaged Bosnian city of Mostar planning to erect a statue honoring dead Chinese semi-Chinese actor Bruce Lee?

Answer: When Tito died, he took the 20th Century with him.